How-To’s

How To Write a Craigslist Ad

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Mhm...In this edition of How To (X), the author of the blog will detail the inception and creation of an advertisement on the internet website Craigslist, whilst the whole time referring to himself in the third person.

In order for a sale ad on Craigslist to be successful, one should read the following guidelines carefully:

  • The ad must not mention certain critical details. If the poster wishes to sell a car, for example, he or she must leave out the mileage, color, mention of previous wrecks, the condition of the interior, or any combination of all of these options.
  • The ad must contain several misspelling and blatant grammatical errors. The author has observed several advertisements that do not contain errors, and he is certain that no positive conclusion shall result. Make liberal misuse of homonyms.
  • When taking pictures to display your items, make certain that the images do not represent the true nature of the goods. Preferably, use a camera phone to capture the images, and never frame the image from a flattering angle. The display of damaged portions is left up to the poster’s discretion, but the author highly recommends the omission of such images.
  • When crafting the wording of the title, consider inserting random acronyms and meaningless phrases. Be sure to transpose a few letters in a word or two!
  • If you are so brave as to include a video, record the footage with a low-quality camera, and be sure to turn off any image stabilization–this will ensure thatt he image meets Craigslist’s strict quality guidelines.
  • Never post the actual price of anything. Insert a few periods into the price to confuse the buyer: $3.50.0.00.
  • If your post fits perfectly into a set catagory, be sure to place it elsewhere on the site.
  • Save the negative aspects of your sale for last. Write them in small print near the bottom of the post.

The author has had a fair amount of experience with Craigslist, and he feels confident that these tips will aid in the production of a successful sale ad. The rules for a wanted ad differ slightly. In fact, they are altogether different.

  • A wanted ad must be incredibly complex; use as many obsolete phrases as possible.
  • To weed out the disinterested, increase the volume of the verbiage to substantial levels.
  • Double and triple check the ad to ensure that no typos or grammatical errors are present.
  • If possible, employ the use of a rhetorical fallacy, such as a parade of horrors.

Feeling that these suggestion will prove invaluable, the author offers a kind “you’re welcome” to all of the “thank you”s that are certain to come flowing in.

Signed Good Day,
~ XK

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How To Use Facebook

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howtofbAs a company, Facebook has given us some legal terms that outline what the company will do, what we should do, what they expect us to do if we don’t like what they’re doing, and what they will do if we do something that we shouldn’t do.

That’s not what this post is about. This post is a personal Facebook user policy. It’s a bit of etiquette, a dab of protocol, and pretty much the reasons I post what I do and abstain from posting what I don’t.

Concerning Statuses (statai):

I generally veer away from the standard prompts given by the content people at Facebook. The “What’s on your mind” and “What’s your New Year’s resolution” stuff is usually ignored by me.

I hate statuses that are pointless. By pointless, I mean something you would not normally inform others of; it’s not funny and it has no importance in any other sphere of life. For example: “Just dusted the hearth.” is not a vital piece of information. It’s not funny (unless you like the word hearth), and I really don’t care whether your house is clean or not (unless I’m coming over).

Overly personal statuses are not bad in and of themselves, but if you are sharing them publicly, or with people with whom you would not normally share such information, then be prepared for feedback that may not be ideal. 13574212720[1]Please don’t get mad when someone faults you or comments in a negative manner on your post. You put it out for the world to see, and you should expect the world to not be very nice.

Self deprecating statuses should not be used to garner support; these can easily backfire. Private information should not be posted if you don’t want it public (just use common sense). Try to spell stuff correctly.

The Posting of Photos/Videos:

Here there be picture(s). Once again, common sense should be used liberally. In fact, I recommend using as much as you have available. Once a photo or video is published, it could go any of a number of places. Once others have access to it, there is no guarantee of permanent deletion, so don’t upload things that you’ll regret! Don’t upload a picture of yourself proclaiming how ugly you are and expect people to deny your claims. You might want to talk to a counselor if you’re constantly trying to find affirmation through Facebook.

Those “chain-mail” photos, don’t share them. Sorry for yelling, but seriously, a creeper won’t show up at your house if you refuse to “like” that image, you won’t die tonight because you didn’t share that post, and Jesus will still love you if you ignore that picture of him in your news feed. Sharing or liking an image on Facebook is not going to feed starving kids in Africa; if you want to help the needy, then I suggest getting off the computer and into the world.

Comments

Don’t be that person. You know, the one who leaves really awkward comments that are really hard to respond to (and try not to embarrass others by saying something publicly that you intended only for them.)

Messaging

If you send someone a message, don’t leave them hanging. That’s just not polite.

Person 1: Hey, guess what!
Person 2: Hey!
Person 2: What?
Person 2: Hello?
Person 2: R u there?
…five years later…
Person 1: Hey!

The Little Stuff

Link spamming is annoying; don’t do it. If you’ve shared something once, there’s no need to share it five more times. Game invites: please don’t (protip: set the privacy option of “who can see posts from this app” as “only me,” that way the app won’t be automatically spamming others without your consent). Don’t tag people in product images, that’s just rude. Don’t add all of your friends to a group that’s going to spam their news feeds with stuff they don’t like, again, rude.

That should get you started, anyway. What annoys you? Do you have any tips for the general populace of Facebook? Let me know in the comments!

~ XK

How To Get Into the Christmas Spirit

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It’s time for another incredibly useful and absolutely essential and indubitably indispensable how-to!

If you’ve had a twelvemonth anything like mine, Christmas has sneaked up on you this year. That day of merry-making, mistletoe, and gift-giving is only seven days away!! The radio has been attempting to drill that fact into my head for the past month, but I have successfully avoided that ploy by boycotting all stations that play, have played, or are planning to play the song “Christmas Shoes.” I have avoided decorating; I try not to do too much shopping, and the only movie I have been to was the midnight premiere of The Hobbit. In fact, due to my Grinch-like behavior, it seems that I have almost forgotten the holidays altogether!

To remedy this perilous situation, and to prevent my offending of the poor little Whos of Whovillle, I have determined to bring myself to have sympathy for those besot by the mood of the season.

With very little further delay, let us commence the how-toing of the getting intoing of the Christmas Spirit.

First of all, I have acquired for myself some music that both fits my tastes and the thematic setting of the world around me. A Christmas metal mix, a mix of Christian Indie artists singing Christmas carols, and a classic album from Relient K comprise the majority of my listening now. This seems to be making some headway.

I also decided that while I didn’t really want a full-sized conifer brought into our home to shed its joy and needles, a small table-top version would not be that terrible. The cheery little reminder of bright lights and ornaments (yet to be placed upon its boughs) sits and beckons our attention.

While I don’t like dressing in holiday apparel, perhaps you do. Good for you. Please don’t bring your reindeer antlers near me.

One thing I love about this time of year is that people seem incredibly inclined to cook sweet things. Throughout most of the year, cookies and brownies are about as special as the deserts get, but now that the 25th is rolling around, I’ve had cinnamon rolls and cakes and cookies and éclairs and candies and all kinds of stuff! (I do so love to eat.)

Finally, I looked at a book that’s been a bit too long neglected. Why, exactly, is the Bible one of the least prominent of decorations yet one of the most integral to the origins of the holiday? Perhaps, though, Christ’s Mass has become so only in name. True, hundreds of millions of people celebrate the holiday, but do they do so for the tradition or for the observance something more? In the US, it’s practically impossible to avoid the effects of the commercialization of Christmas, and it seems as though even the Christmas spirit has been commercialized. All that I listed above has nothing to do with Christ, yet this is His Mass, and I suppose we could give Him a bit more than a second-place seat to a fat old man with a troop of reindeer and a collection of midget slaves. So, isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?

And if you’re not in the “Christmas Spirit” now, I’m afraid there’s no hope for you, Charlie Brown.

~XK