If Tech Companies Were In Charge of Holidays…

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…the press releases might read something like these.

Halloween 2 (Apple)

It’s the same holiday that you know and love, but we’ve made it even easier to celebrate. With over 25 million sweet stations, and a customizable candy choice, you can celebrate this iconic event from the comfort of your own city. With the Halloween 2, we’ve brought the holiday industry to new heights with new features such as Treats 2.0, iTricks, and Find My Gnome. Our revolutionary new Sweet Tooth bluetooth headset will let you post where you’ve found the best treats in your town or wherever you are! Find My Gnome is a convenient feature built into every Sweet Tooth; GPS signals allow you to track Sweet Tooths registered to your family. Rest assured that you’ll be able to find your way out of (or into) any scary situation.

With iTricks, just hold your iOS device against a prospective haunt, choose your flavor, and play a scary tone. Getting into the season has never been easier. Pre-order your Sweet Tooth today, and prepare yourself for the Halloween 2.

Easter (Facebook)

We’re excited to announce the best Easter yet: Easter 2014. Whether you plan to tag your friends in a new album or tag along with them to a relaxing picnic, we’ve got you covered. Our new News Feed is the same News Feed that we’ve always had, but this one is even more complicated and works better at least half of the time! With only one or two sponsored posts, and your settings staying set for an entire day, you are sure to enjoy the social scene this Easter. We’ve decorated our site in a lovely spring blue, and we’ve complicated the security settings even more! Make sure to have your Instagram app open and ready to capture all of your friends for filing in our extensive government database. (Also, do you know this person? You have 17 mutual friends.)

Memorial Day (Twitter)

It’s one of those Federal holidays that the majority of people really don’t know why it exists, and we know that you’ll want to document every minute of it in 140 characters or less. We’ve made sure that we won’t get hacked again anytime soon, and tons of celebrities will be posting valuable tidbits about their personal lives, and others’ personal lives. And how they hate that everyone is prying into their personal lives. And flame wars when someone says something perceivably racist or sexist. Actually, on second thought, just follow Death Star PR or Emergency Kittens.

President’s Day (Tumblr) 

We know that the only names you’ll recognize are George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Obama, and John F. Kennedy, so we’re just going to continue posting clever GIFs.Tumblr's Contrib

Thanksgiving (Digg) 

Be Thankful for that iPhone
How the pilgrims survived that journey without Angry Birds.

Cooking Big Bird
Is America’s Turkey Obsession Unhealthy?

You’re Awesome (*sponsored link*)
Click it so we can make some money.

Several Buildings Explode in Another Country
You’ll click on this link because the US is obsessed with violence.

The Mayflower Didn’t Exist
It’s all a conspiracy to get you to spend money.

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Christmas (Google)

Because we’re the most benevolent and wonderful company in the world, we’ve decided to give you an awesome drawing of our logo. Make sure to like it and share it on Google+! We also have put our Google Glasses on sale! $1400 buys you a pair of glasses with which you can search anything in the world! Download our newest version of Google Maps, which gives the location of every publicly available fir tree that you can chop down for yourself! Happy Holidays!

Anyway, have a good weekend! 

How To Get Into the Christmas Spirit

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It’s time for another incredibly useful and absolutely essential and indubitably indispensable how-to!

If you’ve had a twelvemonth anything like mine, Christmas has sneaked up on you this year. That day of merry-making, mistletoe, and gift-giving is only seven days away!! The radio has been attempting to drill that fact into my head for the past month, but I have successfully avoided that ploy by boycotting all stations that play, have played, or are planning to play the song “Christmas Shoes.” I have avoided decorating; I try not to do too much shopping, and the only movie I have been to was the midnight premiere of The Hobbit. In fact, due to my Grinch-like behavior, it seems that I have almost forgotten the holidays altogether!

To remedy this perilous situation, and to prevent my offending of the poor little Whos of Whovillle, I have determined to bring myself to have sympathy for those besot by the mood of the season.

With very little further delay, let us commence the how-toing of the getting intoing of the Christmas Spirit.

First of all, I have acquired for myself some music that both fits my tastes and the thematic setting of the world around me. A Christmas metal mix, a mix of Christian Indie artists singing Christmas carols, and a classic album from Relient K comprise the majority of my listening now. This seems to be making some headway.

I also decided that while I didn’t really want a full-sized conifer brought into our home to shed its joy and needles, a small table-top version would not be that terrible. The cheery little reminder of bright lights and ornaments (yet to be placed upon its boughs) sits and beckons our attention.

While I don’t like dressing in holiday apparel, perhaps you do. Good for you. Please don’t bring your reindeer antlers near me.

One thing I love about this time of year is that people seem incredibly inclined to cook sweet things. Throughout most of the year, cookies and brownies are about as special as the deserts get, but now that the 25th is rolling around, I’ve had cinnamon rolls and cakes and cookies and éclairs and candies and all kinds of stuff! (I do so love to eat.)

Finally, I looked at a book that’s been a bit too long neglected. Why, exactly, is the Bible one of the least prominent of decorations yet one of the most integral to the origins of the holiday? Perhaps, though, Christ’s Mass has become so only in name. True, hundreds of millions of people celebrate the holiday, but do they do so for the tradition or for the observance something more? In the US, it’s practically impossible to avoid the effects of the commercialization of Christmas, and it seems as though even the Christmas spirit has been commercialized. All that I listed above has nothing to do with Christ, yet this is His Mass, and I suppose we could give Him a bit more than a second-place seat to a fat old man with a troop of reindeer and a collection of midget slaves. So, isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?

And if you’re not in the “Christmas Spirit” now, I’m afraid there’s no hope for you, Charlie Brown.


A Story of Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving Special!  (In which the story of the original thanksgiving is strangely and unothodoxly blended with Tolkien lore.)

For it was in the olden days that those known as the pilgrims were decided to travel to a new land. They were not seafaring folk, yet they determined to sail across the great ocean. The oppression of their king had grown too heavy, and the prospect of a new life was enticing. Upon their arrival in the new land, they encountered many strange and unknown things. The people of the land were known as Indians. The Indians were an ancient race, attuned with the woods and closely bound to nature. The Indians watched the pilgrims with trepidation, for the light-skins were not to be trusted.

The pilgrims made poorly through the winter, for they were unprepared for the inclement weather. The corn that they grew fed them barely; many died, and later, it became a symbol of remembrance for the pilgrims to place five kernels of corn on their plates, as this symbolized the lack of sustenance throughout the early years. Therefore, the strongest of them traveled to the rock known as Plymouth. There they forged in secret the kernels of power. Three they made for the Indians lords and nine for the kings of men, but one of the Pilgrims, the strongest of them all, forged in secret a kernel stronger still. Into this he poured all of his knowledge and self. Thus the one kernel was formed. One kernel to rule them all, one kernel to find them. One kernel to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.

But the dark pilgrim waited, and the kernels of power brought prosperity to the land. The pilgrims and Indians feasted together and formed an uncertain alliance. Thus thanksgiving came to be, and the dark pilgrim waited.

Epilogue: Later, the Dark Pilgrim was killed in a fluke covered-wagon accident, and his kernel lay undiscovered, until Orville Redenbacher discovered it in the 1950s. He was able to harness the kernel’s power and bring about a revolution in corn popping. So, remember the pilgrims whenever you eat popcorn, and be thankful. 

~ XK