In this edition of How To (X), the author of the blog will detail the inception and creation of an advertisement on the internet website Craigslist, whilst the whole time referring to himself in the third person.
In order for a sale ad on Craigslist to be successful, one should read the following guidelines carefully:
- The ad must not mention certain critical details. If the poster wishes to sell a car, for example, he or she must leave out the mileage, color, mention of previous wrecks, the condition of the interior, or any combination of all of these options.
- The ad must contain several misspelling and blatant grammatical errors. The author has observed several advertisements that do not contain errors, and he is certain that no positive conclusion shall result. Make liberal misuse of homonyms.
- When taking pictures to display your items, make certain that the images do not represent the true nature of the goods. Preferably, use a camera phone to capture the images, and never frame the image from a flattering angle. The display of damaged portions is left up to the poster’s discretion, but the author highly recommends the omission of such images.
- When crafting the wording of the title, consider inserting random acronyms and meaningless phrases. Be sure to transpose a few letters in a word or two!
- If you are so brave as to include a video, record the footage with a low-quality camera, and be sure to turn off any image stabilization–this will ensure thatt he image meets Craigslist’s strict quality guidelines.
- Never post the actual price of anything. Insert a few periods into the price to confuse the buyer: $3.50.0.00.
- If your post fits perfectly into a set catagory, be sure to place it elsewhere on the site.
- Save the negative aspects of your sale for last. Write them in small print near the bottom of the post.
The author has had a fair amount of experience with Craigslist, and he feels confident that these tips will aid in the production of a successful sale ad. The rules for a wanted ad differ slightly. In fact, they are altogether different.
- A wanted ad must be incredibly complex; use as many obsolete phrases as possible.
- To weed out the disinterested, increase the volume of the verbiage to substantial levels.
- Double and triple check the ad to ensure that no typos or grammatical errors are present.
- If possible, employ the use of a rhetorical fallacy, such as a parade of horrors.
Feeling that these suggestion will prove invaluable, the author offers a kind “you’re welcome” to all of the “thank you”s that are certain to come flowing in.
Signed Good Day,
I started off writing a post about how I loved and cherished and held to dear to my life all those things filled with words and pages and stuff (books). I realized, though, that a Milky Way bar was sitting on my desk, and I quickly succumbed to the lesser me. Then I realized that I had no motivation at all to write about books. Those are far too sacred of objects to be carelessly scribbled about in a Milky Way-induced euphoria. So instead, I decided to do what I do best. Ramble. The following is a dissertation on everything important.
Everything Important Explained
College: A very large social experiment in which the test subjects voluntarily pay to undergo the strangest of rituals–probably a conspiracy, but what isn’t?
Grammar: The grammar system is the result of all the pent-up OCD of every overly-influential language scholar. It serves no function other than to facilitate the object of written communication, confuse young children, and torture innocent students.
Guns: Guns don’t kill people; bears kill people.
Lighters: Tools used for burning cigarettes, starting fires, and razing buildings. Read owner’s manual before using.
Photography: Photography is the means by which the phrase “taking a picture” describes a legitimate action.
Pop Tarts: Pop Tarts give meaning to any toaster’s life.
Root Beer: This is the best soda ever. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If there’s a national carbonated soft drink of Heaven, this is it.
Rubber Duckies: These seemingly innocent little creatures are plotting to take over the world, aided by the ever-scheming and endlessly-devious goats.
Service Bells: Service bells are like doorbells, they rarely ever serve their intended functions. Instead, they become vessels of annoyance and impatience.
To Be Continued…
A note to my awesome readers: I’m sorry for the large lapse in time between posts. I recently started a new full-time job, so I’ve been a bit busier than normal. Getting up at 5:15 am every morning is a new and sometimes painful experience. I promise that I’ll post something beefier soon. Like a cow.
A note to all my other readers: see above.
Sike! I bet you thought this was going to be a post full of fairly useful tips on how to properly make use of grammar, complimented by sarcastic remarks. Nope! Just Chuck Testa. I considered writing a post of a similar nature, ranting about the lack of proper grammar by those who Facebook, Tweet, write blogs, and do whatever else people do on the internet. Then I realized the monumental task that I would be putting myself to, and I decided to reduce the condescension levels that means I’ll be nicer and, instead, write about the importance of grammar.
Of course, I make my share of mistakes in this blog. You can probably even find errors in this post. Every now and then I leave out word, misspell a synonim, or forget to insert a words punctuation. See what I did there? No man is infallible, aside from Jesus and Chuck Norris, but I don’t think either of them blog. Jesus did write a pretty good book, though. You should totally read it. Aside from the students in the English Review classes at my college, I try not to be overly critical of others’ writing. I’m an English tutor, in case you’re wondering. I’ll let slide a few pronouns who are missing their antecedents. I don’t mind the occasional comma splice or wrongly inserted semicolon, and I try to overlook the stray confused homophone.
That brings us to the somewhat main point of this post. Yes, it has a point. Strict enforcement of grammar is not as important as a clear conveyance of the message intended. Sometimes, it is raining outside. I must admit, while possessing some sense of grammar has the effect of enhancing one’s communication skills, this skill has its defects. Grammar can be restrictive of style. Conjunctions are not free to reside at the head of sentences, and who made up the rules for the proper usage of dashes? I don’t want to be a perfect grammarian; I just want my readers to understand the message. In this case, I want them to understand that I value grammar, and I believe they should as well. Translation: learn how to write.
Writing may not be your forté, but you should do the best that you can. If you don’t, who knows what will happen; maybe I’ll troll you, or maybe you’ll write something that will offend the Grammarian Association of Newfoundland. The members will become so incensed with your lack of grammatical correctness that they will hire someone to do something bad to you. They’d hire mercenaries because grammarians aren’t very powerful people. The members–since they’re Canadian–will most likely hire Eskimos to engage you in an existential conversation on the ethicality of Canadian bacon in a society with public health care. This will be followed by a taunting of the value of the American dollar. The public shame and humiliation that will result could be devastating to your appetite.
So, the next time you are tempted to misuse “their/there/they’re” or needlessly insert a comma, remember the Canadians. They’re watching you… eh.