Satire

How To Write a Craigslist Ad

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Mhm...In this edition of How To (X), the author of the blog will detail the inception and creation of an advertisement on the internet website Craigslist, whilst the whole time referring to himself in the third person.

In order for a sale ad on Craigslist to be successful, one should read the following guidelines carefully:

  • The ad must not mention certain critical details. If the poster wishes to sell a car, for example, he or she must leave out the mileage, color, mention of previous wrecks, the condition of the interior, or any combination of all of these options.
  • The ad must contain several misspelling and blatant grammatical errors. The author has observed several advertisements that do not contain errors, and he is certain that no positive conclusion shall result. Make liberal misuse of homonyms.
  • When taking pictures to display your items, make certain that the images do not represent the true nature of the goods. Preferably, use a camera phone to capture the images, and never frame the image from a flattering angle. The display of damaged portions is left up to the poster’s discretion, but the author highly recommends the omission of such images.
  • When crafting the wording of the title, consider inserting random acronyms and meaningless phrases. Be sure to transpose a few letters in a word or two!
  • If you are so brave as to include a video, record the footage with a low-quality camera, and be sure to turn off any image stabilization–this will ensure thatt he image meets Craigslist’s strict quality guidelines.
  • Never post the actual price of anything. Insert a few periods into the price to confuse the buyer: $3.50.0.00.
  • If your post fits perfectly into a set catagory, be sure to place it elsewhere on the site.
  • Save the negative aspects of your sale for last. Write them in small print near the bottom of the post.

The author has had a fair amount of experience with Craigslist, and he feels confident that these tips will aid in the production of a successful sale ad. The rules for a wanted ad differ slightly. In fact, they are altogether different.

  • A wanted ad must be incredibly complex; use as many obsolete phrases as possible.
  • To weed out the disinterested, increase the volume of the verbiage to substantial levels.
  • Double and triple check the ad to ensure that no typos or grammatical errors are present.
  • If possible, employ the use of a rhetorical fallacy, such as a parade of horrors.

Feeling that these suggestion will prove invaluable, the author offers a kind “you’re welcome” to all of the “thank you”s that are certain to come flowing in.

Signed Good Day,
~ XK

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Unsubscription Survey (this is why I don’t give relationship advice)

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My friend and I were talking the other day, and we’ve decided that a survey could be quite applicable in certain circumstances. When answered honestly, surveys can be quite helpful. When answered dishonestly, well, let’s just say that I didn’t hear of your company from the Easter Bunny.

The certain circumstance were were discussing, however, was the cessation of a relationship. Bonus points for diplomatic phrasing. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you could just send your ex-significant-other a form and ask her or him to fill it out? I mean, it works for KFC.

Luckily for you, we thought of a few questions that might go well on such a survey! Me, being the geek that I am, decided to create a form just for that purpose. (Notice that I said create, and mentioned nothing about implementation.)  Feel free to use this whenever you wish. It’s downloadable and fillable on the computer. 

Good day!
~XK

An Informed Opinion

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I’ve heard a lot recently about these so-called “gay marriages.” I’ve heard that some people are marching in the streets to support the right of gay people to marry, and I’ve also heard that other people are marching in the streets to oppose the first people marching in the streets. In other streets, people are marching to support the marching of the people who are marching to oppose the marching of the people who march to oppose the marching of people who support gay marriages. That’s a lot of marching. 

Cambridge Dictionary:
Gay // ɡeɪ :
Happy; bright and attractive.

EXTERMINATE!!!!Honestly, I think people should be allowed to marry in whatever style they wish. If they want to have a gay marriage, that’s their prerogative. Who wouldn’t want their marriage to be cheery!? I don’t see what the fuss is all about.

With all of the colorful rainbows, the happy signs, and the friendly displays of affection that occur during these  marches, I fail to see the degradation that supposedly occurs. Marriage is a happy occasion, and I think that fact should be recognized! That the case has gone to the US Supreme Court is, in my humble opinion, a very telling sign that the US is straying from her great traditional roots of rejoicing pilgrims, rebellious colonials, and brothers slaughtering each other because of the slave trade.

This issue is clearly distracting us from the important issues of increasing our government’s debt, making Middle-Easterners angry, and continuing to poke the North Koreans. Maybe the gay-rights activists should be marching in those countries, promoting peace and happiness!

Anyway, in the words of that famous Christmas carol, I’m off to don some gay apparel.

Bai kids!
XK

Editor’s Note: It has come to our attention that the word “gay” may be used in more than one way. Please rest assured that we are performing every action necessary to determine the proper use of the word in question.