…the press releases might read something like these.
Halloween 2 (Apple)
It’s the same holiday that you know and love, but we’ve made it even easier to celebrate. With over 25 million sweet stations, and a customizable candy choice, you can celebrate this iconic event from the comfort of your own city. With the Halloween 2, we’ve brought the holiday industry to new heights with new features such as Treats 2.0, iTricks, and Find My Gnome. Our revolutionary new Sweet Tooth bluetooth headset will let you post where you’ve found the best treats in your town or wherever you are! Find My Gnome is a convenient feature built into every Sweet Tooth; GPS signals allow you to track Sweet Tooths registered to your family. Rest assured that you’ll be able to find your way out of (or into) any scary situation.
With iTricks, just hold your iOS device against a prospective haunt, choose your flavor, and play a scary tone. Getting into the season has never been easier. Pre-order your Sweet Tooth today, and prepare yourself for the Halloween 2.
We’re excited to announce the best Easter yet: Easter 2014. Whether you plan to tag your friends in a new album or tag along with them to a relaxing picnic, we’ve got you covered. Our new News Feed is the same News Feed that we’ve always had, but this one is even more complicated and works better at least half of the time! With only one or two sponsored posts, and your settings staying set for an entire day, you are sure to enjoy the social scene this Easter. We’ve decorated our site in a lovely spring blue, and we’ve complicated the security settings even more! Make sure to have your Instagram app open and ready to capture all of your friends for filing in our extensive government database. (Also, do you know this person? You have 17 mutual friends.)
Memorial Day (Twitter)
It’s one of those Federal holidays that the majority of people really don’t know why it exists, and we know that you’ll want to document every minute of it in 140 characters or less. We’ve made sure that we won’t get hacked again anytime soon, and tons of celebrities will be posting valuable tidbits about their personal lives, and others’ personal lives. And how they hate that everyone is prying into their personal lives. And flame wars when someone says something perceivably racist or sexist. Actually, on second thought, just follow Death Star PR or Emergency Kittens.
President’s Day (Tumblr)
We know that the only names you’ll recognize are George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Obama, and John F. Kennedy, so we’re just going to continue posting clever GIFs.
Be Thankful for that iPhone
How the pilgrims survived that journey without Angry Birds.
Cooking Big Bird
Is America’s Turkey Obsession Unhealthy?
You’re Awesome (*sponsored link*)
Click it so we can make some money.
Several Buildings Explode in Another Country
You’ll click on this link because the US is obsessed with violence.
The Mayflower Didn’t Exist
It’s all a conspiracy to get you to spend money.
Because we’re the most benevolent and wonderful company in the world, we’ve decided to give you an awesome drawing of our logo. Make sure to like it and share it on Google+! We also have put our Google Glasses on sale! $1400 buys you a pair of glasses with which you can search anything in the world! Download our newest version of Google Maps, which gives the location of every publicly available fir tree that you can chop down for yourself! Happy Holidays!
Anyway, have a good weekend!
As a company, Facebook has given us some legal terms that outline what the company will do, what we should do, what they expect us to do if we don’t like what they’re doing, and what they will do if we do something that we shouldn’t do.
That’s not what this post is about. This post is a personal Facebook user policy. It’s a bit of etiquette, a dab of protocol, and pretty much the reasons I post what I do and abstain from posting what I don’t.
Concerning Statuses (statai):
I generally veer away from the standard prompts given by the content people at Facebook. The “What’s on your mind” and “What’s your New Year’s resolution” stuff is usually ignored by me.
I hate statuses that are pointless. By pointless, I mean something you would not normally inform others of; it’s not funny and it has no importance in any other sphere of life. For example: “Just dusted the hearth.” is not a vital piece of information. It’s not funny (unless you like the word hearth), and I really don’t care whether your house is clean or not (unless I’m coming over).
Overly personal statuses are not bad in and of themselves, but if you are sharing them publicly, or with people with whom you would not normally share such information, then be prepared for feedback that may not be ideal. Please don’t get mad when someone faults you or comments in a negative manner on your post. You put it out for the world to see, and you should expect the world to not be very nice.
Self deprecating statuses should not be used to garner support; these can easily backfire. Private information should not be posted if you don’t want it public (just use common sense). Try to spell stuff correctly.
The Posting of Photos/Videos:
Once again, common sense should be used liberally. In fact, I recommend using as much as you have available. Once a photo or video is published, it could go any of a number of places. Once others have access to it, there is no guarantee of permanent deletion, so don’t upload things that you’ll regret! Don’t upload a picture of yourself proclaiming how ugly you are and expect people to deny your claims. You might want to talk to a counselor if you’re constantly trying to find affirmation through Facebook.
Those “chain-mail” photos, don’t share them. Sorry for yelling, but seriously, a creeper won’t show up at your house if you refuse to “like” that image, you won’t die tonight because you didn’t share that post, and Jesus will still love you if you ignore that picture of him in your news feed. Sharing or liking an image on Facebook is not going to feed starving kids in Africa; if you want to help the needy, then I suggest getting off the computer and into the world.
Don’t be that person. You know, the one who leaves really awkward comments that are really hard to respond to (and try not to embarrass others by saying something publicly that you intended only for them.)
If you send someone a message, don’t leave them hanging. That’s just not polite.
Person 1: Hey, guess what!
Person 2: Hey!
Person 2: What?
Person 2: Hello?
Person 2: R u there?
…five years later…
Person 1: Hey!
The Little Stuff
Link spamming is annoying; don’t do it. If you’ve shared something once, there’s no need to share it five more times. Game invites: please don’t (protip: set the privacy option of “who can see posts from this app” as “only me,” that way the app won’t be automatically spamming others without your consent). Don’t tag people in product images, that’s just rude. Don’t add all of your friends to a group that’s going to spam their news feeds with stuff they don’t like, again, rude.
That should get you started, anyway. What annoys you? Do you have any tips for the general populace of Facebook? Let me know in the comments!