Writing

How To Write a Craigslist Ad

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Mhm...In this edition of How To (X), the author of the blog will detail the inception and creation of an advertisement on the internet website Craigslist, whilst the whole time referring to himself in the third person.

In order for a sale ad on Craigslist to be successful, one should read the following guidelines carefully:

  • The ad must not mention certain critical details. If the poster wishes to sell a car, for example, he or she must leave out the mileage, color, mention of previous wrecks, the condition of the interior, or any combination of all of these options.
  • The ad must contain several misspelling and blatant grammatical errors. The author has observed several advertisements that do not contain errors, and he is certain that no positive conclusion shall result. Make liberal misuse of homonyms.
  • When taking pictures to display your items, make certain that the images do not represent the true nature of the goods. Preferably, use a camera phone to capture the images, and never frame the image from a flattering angle. The display of damaged portions is left up to the poster’s discretion, but the author highly recommends the omission of such images.
  • When crafting the wording of the title, consider inserting random acronyms and meaningless phrases. Be sure to transpose a few letters in a word or two!
  • If you are so brave as to include a video, record the footage with a low-quality camera, and be sure to turn off any image stabilization–this will ensure thatt he image meets Craigslist’s strict quality guidelines.
  • Never post the actual price of anything. Insert a few periods into the price to confuse the buyer: $3.50.0.00.
  • If your post fits perfectly into a set catagory, be sure to place it elsewhere on the site.
  • Save the negative aspects of your sale for last. Write them in small print near the bottom of the post.

The author has had a fair amount of experience with Craigslist, and he feels confident that these tips will aid in the production of a successful sale ad. The rules for a wanted ad differ slightly. In fact, they are altogether different.

  • A wanted ad must be incredibly complex; use as many obsolete phrases as possible.
  • To weed out the disinterested, increase the volume of the verbiage to substantial levels.
  • Double and triple check the ad to ensure that no typos or grammatical errors are present.
  • If possible, employ the use of a rhetorical fallacy, such as a parade of horrors.

Feeling that these suggestion will prove invaluable, the author offers a kind “you’re welcome” to all of the “thank you”s that are certain to come flowing in.

Signed Good Day,
~ XK

I Need Friends

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EDIT: THIS POSITION HAS BEEN CUT DUE TO LACK OF BUDGET FUNDING, THE ECONOMY, AND RENEWED AWESOMENESS OF CURRENT FRIENDS. PLEASE NOTE THAT THE FOLLOWING POSITIONS ARE STILL OPEN: SOCIAL FRIENDSHIP, LONG-DISTANCE & SOCIAL FRIENDSHIP, LOCAL. 
THIS ANNOUNCEMENT EFFECTIVE APRIL 2, 2013.

To be honest, I’m getting tired of a lot of my friends. Many of them have been my friends since we were quite young, and after all these years together, I think it’s time for me to make some changes.

I don’t want to come across as crass or uncaring, but I really am just tired of the same people all the time.

Thus, I have introduced an application for new best friends. The application is short and concise, and I hope to gain many new awesome friends this way. I will be reviewing submissions and sending out pink slips to current friends as positions are filled.

You can download and print the document below to fill out.

Thanks! You guys are the best!
~ Chris

Writing for all the Right Reasons

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For what reasons do I write? Who knows! I’d like to say I write to right the writing rites of rightfully written right rite rights, but that really wouldn’t make much sense.  

Writing, for me, is an extension of myself, in that it represents the less-inhibited, non-verbal, expressive social arena in my life.  Translation: you’re reading what I would say to you if I were perhaps more talkative.

I write how I feel, and my mood influences and often dictates content, style, and probably quality. While I usually don’t blog on personal matters, my life still heavily influences my writing. When I am happy, my blog posts are likely to be light-hearted or simply crazy. When I am feeling down, I very likely will not even post anything, but if I do, you can expect it to be melancholic or drab. When I am feeling tired, as I often do these days, one really can’t predict how my blatherings will read. Perhaps I’ll craft a masterpiece, but I really do doubt it. 

Lately, I have been tired, down, and ever so slightly bored with everything. Everything that I’ve tried writing has turned into an unfinished draft. That which I’ve completed has been terribly dark, and nothing has been incredibly interesting. No one seemed interested in my essay on the compensation for the incremental increases in effective circumference when using ribbon with a winch system… 

I’m not sure if it’s Writer’s Block or Something Worse. I suppose I’ll figure it out eventually.

Now that I’ve bored you to tears with my own story, I have a question for you;  how do you write? How greatly does your mood affect your writing ability?

Cheers,
Chris