I almost forgot about this series, but thankfully, I found this draft in my archives. This is a continuation of The Best Dictionary Ever. Read on to be enlightened.
More Important Things Explained
Cats: Generally considered evil masterminds, these animals are actually just here to observe our race. They care nothing for either mastering nor destroying the earth; they wish merely to upset the established order and spread a little chaos. All in the name of science, of course.
Books: A legal drug, approved and even promoted by most progressive governments and educational systems. Used to alleviate depression, boredom, and other ailments of the mind. Side-effects include dizziness, upset stomach, depression, sadness, drowsiness, obsessive behavior, and mild paper cuts.
Dictionaries: Drab things that exist primarily to confirm or deny the existence of allegedly misused words.
Dogs: These animals are like the UN of the animal world. They try to keep all of the other animals from disrupting the peace; in the process, however, they usually just make matters worse.
Facebook: A website designed to collect all of the excess “spare time” on our planet. Although touted as a social networking site, it has the side effect of gradually decaying most people’s actual social life. It is assumed by some that this will be used as a a weapon in the impending Zomboogle Apocalypse.
Music: That wonderful tool with which we can annoy, enlighten, bring joy to, or depress any person whom we choose (as long as said person is not deaf).
Spotify: The best internet music application ever.
The Zomboogle Apocalypse: Despite Google’s insinuation that they are a good-loving organization, they will eventually turn all unsuspecting Google users into zombies. Only Mac users and careful internet users will be spared (definition pending).
To be continued…?
In other news, (I’ll soon be announcing it officially), there’s a new button in the menu at the top of my blog. Check it out?
I think that I’m going to start talking as though everything I say is of the utmost importance and make my sentences elaborate as possible. For example, when I need a knife from the kitchen:
Hearken unto me, my children, and give ear to my words, for it is no small doom that brings me hither. Unto this place I have come to request a boon. In the drawers of wood that lie herein, there is a blade of steel that stains not, and for this I make a most urgent request.
I may even try this when I go to McDonalds and other place of eatery.
Greetings my kind people, from the inscription upon the menu yonder would I like to place a request. Of the selection entitled four I would mean to make my own, and in payment I would take care to count out in bills of legal tender of this great nation.
I have an idea that this may not go over so well, but I think it’d be fun to try booking a flight like this.
Peace unto you and your family, my good lady. Of the security for transportation upon the winds of this world, like the fleet feet of Mercury in the sky, would I converse with you. To the distant lands of the West and the grand civilizations across this great expanse of the realm of Neptune would I traverse. Have you the necessary permissions to grant me the goodwill of those leading such an expedition?
I suppose this might not be the best way of relating to people, but who ever said I wanted to do that? Anyway, it’s almost the first of the year! One more day in 2012 and we shall find ourselves in 2013! I think I might write myself a long-term to-do list (I never have liked the phrase bucket list.)
I started off writing a post about how I loved and cherished and held to dear to my life all those things filled with words and pages and stuff (books). I realized, though, that a Milky Way bar was sitting on my desk, and I quickly succumbed to the lesser me. Then I realized that I had no motivation at all to write about books. Those are far too sacred of objects to be carelessly scribbled about in a Milky Way-induced euphoria. So instead, I decided to do what I do best. Ramble. The following is a dissertation on everything important.
Everything Important Explained
College: A very large social experiment in which the test subjects voluntarily pay to undergo the strangest of rituals–probably a conspiracy, but what isn’t?
Grammar: The grammar system is the result of all the pent-up OCD of every overly-influential language scholar. It serves no function other than to facilitate the object of written communication, confuse young children, and torture innocent students.
Guns: Guns don’t kill people; bears kill people.
Lighters: Tools used for burning cigarettes, starting fires, and razing buildings. Read owner’s manual before using.
Photography: Photography is the means by which the phrase “taking a picture” describes a legitimate action.
Pop Tarts: Pop Tarts give meaning to any toaster’s life.
Root Beer: This is the best soda ever. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If there’s a national carbonated soft drink of Heaven, this is it.
Rubber Duckies: These seemingly innocent little creatures are plotting to take over the world, aided by the ever-scheming and endlessly-devious goats.
Service Bells: Service bells are like doorbells, they rarely ever serve their intended functions. Instead, they become vessels of annoyance and impatience.
To Be Continued…
A note to my awesome readers: I’m sorry for the large lapse in time between posts. I recently started a new full-time job, so I’ve been a bit busier than normal. Getting up at 5:15 am every morning is a new and sometimes painful experience. I promise that I’ll post something beefier soon. Like a cow.
A note to all my other readers: see above.