On Unicorns

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I don’t know when the last time was that I posted about unicorns, but it’s definitely been far too long. I’m not really sure what all to say about unicorns, but I have a lot I’d like to say. If one was to read the EULA for this blog, he or she would find that unicorns are an essential belief for any who call themselves a reader of this humble blip in cyberspace.

First of all, I think the image of the unicorn has been vastly denigrated. The creatures who once possessed great strength and power have been reduced to little glittery creatures too closely associated with rainbows and Barbie dolls. I think any toy maker would think twice about his choice of portrayal were he to meet a real unicorn. Always beware of making fun of anything with a sharp horn–particularly mythical creatures. 

Unicorns have vastly influenced our society. Did you know that unicorns are in the Bible? From the Oxford English Dictionary entry on unicorns:

c1580 Sir P. Sidney tr. Psalmes David xxii. xiii, Show to heare me, By aiding, when fierce Vnicornes come neere me.

Obviously, one could not disregard the Psalter in favor of modern myths and tales! I mean, King David calls them fierce! This coming from the guy who killed Goliath, I wouldn’t want to mess with those creatures.

In the Chronicles of Narnia, Unicorns are noble creatures, most decidedly not glittering fairy-ponies. Although, Tolkien seemed to think too lowly of unicorns, for they never show up in Middle Earth

To be honest, I believe some conspiracy is afoot. The great and noble elves have been reduced to cooking-baking and toy-making midgets, the fairies have been made into tiny ladies that steal children’s teeth, and even dragons are being domesticated!

Most drastic and unfortunate of all of the degradation of the creatures of old, however, is that subjection of the mighty unicorn to the position of gaily colored little ponies. I’m sorry, but something is seriously wrong with our culture. What do you think? Do you think that unicorns, dragons, fairies, and other mythical creatures deserve their lowly position in today’s culture?

Until Next Time,

Fairies and Other Various Sundry

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The legendary and imaginary persons of yore. You’ve heard about them all your life. Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy… When you were younger you were told that they were real. Now that you’re older and wiser, you know they don’t exist. You’ve been through the education machine which has taught you to only believe in what is tangible and provable through the “scientific method.” Now those who believe in them are ridiculed and treated as crazy. Probably for good cause, anyone over the age of 13 who still believes that a big fat dude in a red suit brings him his Christmas presents probably needs to watch Mythbusters – Santa Claus Edition. Anyway, let’s discuss some of the lesser known creatures and fables.

♦ The Dust Bunnies – These harmless little fellows live under your beds, couches, and other furniture. They’re often confused with the products of their labor (many people think that the piles of dust are actually the bunnies) but we can soon disprove that. Quite under-appreciated, a lot of people really don’t like them. They are however, actually helpful creatures. The dust bunnies run around at night and collect all of the dust, pet hair, and other crud that has gathered and they sweep it all into little convenient piles.

♦ The Monsters Under Your Bed – Perhaps your parents used to comfort you about the monsters under your bed, or maybe they used them for threats, but at any rate, these monsters really aren’t understood. They’re very shy and hardly ever seen by human eyes. Realistically, these creatures are quite unintelligent. They hide under beds and in closets and rearrange everything that’s in order. Occasionally they move around boxes and steal shoes.

♦ The Sock Thief – A distant relative of the monsters under your bed, the sock thief is a much more malicious and malignant personality. This fellow takes delight in purloining anything that has a match. Socks, shoes, gloves… nothing is safe from his grasp. This mean creature can influence people’s minds and cause them to steal socks, as I have witnessed personally.

♦ Unicorns – Unicorns are one of the most popular and awesome of the mythical creatures discussed here. They are extremely shy, and tend to hide in unpopulated areas that contain large amounts of cotton candy and bad youtube characters. Friendly towards those who have gained their trust, they are very distrusting of strangers. I’ll quote my about page here: “As unicorns are mostly considered to be real (or at least ethical) by the majority of the lesser sciences, the confirmation of their existence is imminent. If you ever see a unicorn please do not approach it, they scare easily and have unstable temperaments.”

There are many more creatures that I could discuss: bed bugs, nyan cats, or the boogeyman. I’ll let them rest for now, and leave you to ponder their mysteries on your own. Oh, right… I promised you fairies…

♦ Fairies – You really think fairies exist? Please… next you’re going to tell me that you do believe in Santa Claus. If you hold such ridiculous beliefs please keep them to yourselves. We don’t need more people filling the internet with crazy ideas about make-believe creatures.

Have a Good One,