The Eiffel Tower

How to Protect Your Mental Machinations

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(The second of my inane series of hardly serious how-to’s upon the most important subjects in this life.) 

Obviously, there are many things in this world which are worth protecting. Your money, your family, your pop-tarts… There are, however, some things in this world that are harder to protect, especially those things which are difficult to define or quantify. Now, I’m not speaking of silly things like love or other such fleeting feelings. No. What I am referring to are imaginary friends or pets. (Henceforth referred to as “imaginary friends.”) Your imaginary friends need your protection. I will detail to you how best to keep them safe from the many dangers and hazards in this world. 

  • Be Aware of the pitfalls that can ensnare an imaginary friend. Logic, psychiatrists, and stern parental figures are a few of the threats that present themselves to an imaginary friend. Remember, in order for your friend to stay healthy and in good spirits, you have to believe in them. (Cue Peter Pan music.)
  • Never introduce your imaginary friend to someone whom you don’t know well. This can lead to confusions on the part of both your friend and your new acquaintance. It will most likely end up with your imaginary friend’s feelings hurt (imaginary arguments can be nasty),  and your new acquaintance will probably not understand the situation fully. It is also very possible that the new acquaintance will choose to keep their distance.
  • Remember to often tell your imaginary friend how much he or she is loved. Imaginaries can get quite lonely in the confines of an uncaring mind.
  • Be Careful when talking to your imaginary friends about their state of existence. Some friends can be quite sensitive as to their condition. Remember that your friends are quite closely tied into your own consciousness; any saddening factors that affect them may also sadden yourself.
  • Avoid talking with them in public places – at least avoid doing so aloud. Exhibiting schizophrenic symptoms in public is frowned upon, or so I’m told.
  • Make life interesting for them. Remember, these people live in your imagination. Make it interesting! Throw in some dinosaurs, pirates, or evil kittens. It will be sure to make life magical for your friends. (Give them some pop-tarts too, they’ll like that.) 
  • Finally, remember – imaginary friends are people too, they’re just… special.

Hopefully these pointers will help you in your endeavors to protect those whom you value most. At least, those non-physical entities which call your imagination home. Now, go on! Go have a nice talk with your imaginary friends, play a round of chess in your head, and go watch a movie. I’m sure you’ll all enjoy that.

“Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.”
~ Oscar Wilde