…the press releases might read something like these.
Halloween 2 (Apple)
It’s the same holiday that you know and love, but we’ve made it even easier to celebrate. With over 25 million sweet stations, and a customizable candy choice, you can celebrate this iconic event from the comfort of your own city. With the Halloween 2, we’ve brought the holiday industry to new heights with new features such as Treats 2.0, iTricks, and Find My Gnome. Our revolutionary new Sweet Tooth bluetooth headset will let you post where you’ve found the best treats in your town or wherever you are! Find My Gnome is a convenient feature built into every Sweet Tooth; GPS signals allow you to track Sweet Tooths registered to your family. Rest assured that you’ll be able to find your way out of (or into) any scary situation.
With iTricks, just hold your iOS device against a prospective haunt, choose your flavor, and play a scary tone. Getting into the season has never been easier. Pre-order your Sweet Tooth today, and prepare yourself for the Halloween 2.
We’re excited to announce the best Easter yet: Easter 2014. Whether you plan to tag your friends in a new album or tag along with them to a relaxing picnic, we’ve got you covered. Our new News Feed is the same News Feed that we’ve always had, but this one is even more complicated and works better at least half of the time! With only one or two sponsored posts, and your settings staying set for an entire day, you are sure to enjoy the social scene this Easter. We’ve decorated our site in a lovely spring blue, and we’ve complicated the security settings even more! Make sure to have your Instagram app open and ready to capture all of your friends for filing in our extensive government database. (Also, do you know this person? You have 17 mutual friends.)
Memorial Day (Twitter)
It’s one of those Federal holidays that the majority of people really don’t know why it exists, and we know that you’ll want to document every minute of it in 140 characters or less. We’ve made sure that we won’t get hacked again anytime soon, and tons of celebrities will be posting valuable tidbits about their personal lives, and others’ personal lives. And how they hate that everyone is prying into their personal lives. And flame wars when someone says something perceivably racist or sexist. Actually, on second thought, just follow Death Star PR or Emergency Kittens.
President’s Day (Tumblr)
We know that the only names you’ll recognize are George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Obama, and John F. Kennedy, so we’re just going to continue posting clever GIFs.
Be Thankful for that iPhone
How the pilgrims survived that journey without Angry Birds.
Cooking Big Bird
Is America’s Turkey Obsession Unhealthy?
You’re Awesome (*sponsored link*)
Click it so we can make some money.
Several Buildings Explode in Another Country
You’ll click on this link because the US is obsessed with violence.
The Mayflower Didn’t Exist
It’s all a conspiracy to get you to spend money.
Because we’re the most benevolent and wonderful company in the world, we’ve decided to give you an awesome drawing of our logo. Make sure to like it and share it on Google+! We also have put our Google Glasses on sale! $1400 buys you a pair of glasses with which you can search anything in the world! Download our newest version of Google Maps, which gives the location of every publicly available fir tree that you can chop down for yourself! Happy Holidays!
Anyway, have a good weekend!
Welcome to part one of How to Talk to People– an ICBGM general initiative. The purpose of this series is to teach and inform on the general concepts of real-life interaction between digitally-minded people.
For those of you who don’t commonly frequent Internet forums, let me quickly explain the concept. Forums are digital “huddles” on the Internet in which people gather, post questions, project opinions, and respond to others’ posts. Forums attract all sorts of people: nice people, angry people, helpful people, loud people, and the list goes on. Bronies, don’t even get me started on Bronies. Why did you even bring them up?
I’m going to focus on that last–and probably most annoying–group of people in the list: the loud ones. Inclusive of shouters and ranters, the members of this troll-like group of creatures love to cause ruckus. These people love their own opinions. In fact, they love them so much, they feel they must share their golden pieces of integral knowledge with everyone they meet. Like talking to regular people about singers in bands. For hours. It’s just not cool.
So the real question, and the whole point of this post, is this: are you a forum ranter in real life? Let’s go through the list below to see if you fit the description.
- Loud – I suppose this is something one wouldn’t admit, but this is also a very common characteristic of a ranter. The common ranter is often very vocal, loud, and persistent—often about pointless things. Like televised golf. Televised golf is pointless.
- Prolific Conversationalist – Similar to the Internet’s bane, the over-frequent poster, this person strikes up conversations with everyone. This wouldn’t be too terrible, except for the fact that the conversations are all about the same things, and they usually are self-glorifying. Dude, I have the entire list of Kellogg’s cereals memorized! Wanna hear them?
- Conversationjacking – Like hijacking a car, but with a conversation. Have you ever been talking with a friend when a random person comes up and butts in? The new person takes over the conversation, steers it in whatever direction he wishes, and eventually drives it into the terrible Swamp of Boredom—completely oblivious to the other conversationalists that he drowned in the process.
- Inability to Understand Others – ie: Regard for other people. This is helpful in the general role of human interaction.
So, are you one of these people? If so, I have a piece of advice for you. Stop it! Don’t even question why; the fact that these actions are all conducive to loneliness, solitude, and excess Internet usage should be enough to convince you to drop them from your everyday activities.
Paid for by the Internet Committee for the Betterment of General Mankind. Tune in next time for advice on how to talk with enthusiasts about their areas of expertise.