Top Ten (Benign) Stalker Songs of All Time (from my iTunes library)

Posted on Updated on

Well, okay, maybe not of all time, but at least of the selection that lives in my library of music.

Anchor & Braille — Wedding / Funeral

It’s a song written from the perspective of a guy who is feeling remorseful of letting go of an old friend. It’s for her funeral or wedding ’cause, you know, that’s not creepy.

“I’m a great burning lament to this day
But I realize now you’re in a better place
Hands will tremble
As you’re lowered down the aisle
But you won’t look at me
Not so much as smile
I want to stand up and speak my peace
And let your hollow pieces walk away.”

Dude, you’ve got some emotional issues. I’m seriously considering setting up an eHarmony account for you.

Cascada — Everytime We Touch

Ok, I don’t  think it’s meant to be a stalker song, but this lady is just a bit obsessive… Strangely enough, this video reminds me of Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit video, but I prefer this version. 

“I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch in my dream.
Forgive me my weakness, but I don’t know why
Without you it’s hard to survive.”

If you’re hearing voices, you should seek professional help.

GLaDOS — Still Alive

A song written just for me by a megalomaniacal  supercomputer who wanted to kill me. So sweet.

“I’m not even angry.
I’m being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!”

…anyway, you should play Portal if this makes no sense.

Stellar Kart — Kiss the Girl

Yes, this is a cover of a song from The Little Mermaid. Yes, I have this song in my iTunes library. LISTEN TO THOSE STALKER LYRICS, THOUGH.

“Yes, you want her
Look at her, you know you do
It’s possible she wants you too
There’s one way to ask her
It don’t take a word, not a single word
Go on and kiss the girl”

Death Cab for Cutie — I Will Possess Your Heart

The title says it all. Also, 4 minute guitar intro.

“You reject my… advances… and desperate pleas…
I won’t let you… let me down… so easily.”

I’m sorry, but, um, I’m calling the cops…

The Afters — Myspace Girl

“You asked me what I wanted… I want you!”

Would you like fries with that?

Needtobreathe — Girl Named Tennessee

This one’s just kind of like a failed stalker song…

“Oh, she danced away with my heart and soul
Who she was, I will never know
Danced away with my hopes and dreams
My sweet girl from Tennessee”

In one night, you placed all of your hopes and dreams in a girl? Overconfident, much?

Fall Out Boy — My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark

I’m really not even sure. Certainly sounds stalkerish to me…

Owl City — Deer In the Headlights

This was a free download from iTunes. I promise I didn’t buy this…

“Met a girl with a graceful charm,
But when beauty met the beast he froze.
Got the sense I was not her type
By black eye and bloody nose,
But I guess that’s the way it goes.”

No… I’m pretty sure you’re doing it wrong.

Relient K — Faking My Own Suicide

“To get your attention, I’m faking my own suicide…”

Yeah, yeah… that’ll do it.

And those are the stalker songs from my music library. What’s your favorite stalker song?


The Man Who Could Not Win

Posted on Updated on

This is a demotivational story, designed for people who really don’t need encouraging. If you want to be encouraged, go look at kittens or something. If you want to be amused, keep reading. If you’re hungry, eat some popcorn while reading this. If you’re lost or you mistakenly clicked on this link, read this anyway. 

Marvin walked out of his door and into the weather–more specifically, the bad weather. It was raining buckets, and he had left his umbrella at home.

“Luckily,” he thought to himself, “I have this spare umbrella.”

Marvin never had any luck. Not the good kind of luck anyway. He opened his spare umbrella. Out fell a dead mouse. If you’ve never had the experience of opening an umbrella and receiving a mouse, I can assure you it is not pleasant. After brushing the rodent off of his shoulders, he looked up at the sky–through the shredded umbrella. Unfortunately for the umbrella, it was allergic to mice. Unfortunately for Marvin, so was he.

Marvin shrugged. He didn’t really need to stay dry, anyway. He walked out into the pouring rain. That’s when he realized that his laptop case was unzipped. He reached down to zip it up, but he was in such a hurry that he ran crookedly into a telephone pole. (Most people run straight into things, but that’s far too easy. Marvin never did anything easily.)

When his brain received the message that his head had attempted to knock down a telephone pole, it decided to shut down all systems and make sure everything was ok. In an effort to resolve the situation quickly, his body decided to test the functionality of gravity. In short, Marvin blacked out.

When the systems were all deemed operational, the lights were switched back on, and Marvin found himself lying in the middle of the sidewalk with a strange ringing in his ears and an invisible vice on his brain.

He looked up and found that the sun was shining, and the ground all around him was steaming from the rain. He looked down and saw that he was laying in the middle of an ant hill. He tried to jump up, but in the process he dropped his laptop case, out of which spilled a fizzled laptop, a tangle of cords, and a soggy dead mouse. He bent down to collect his belongings and muttered to himself something about misguided anchovies (he still wasn’t thinking quite clearly).

Once he finally repacked his laptop case and chased most of the ants from his clothing, he started down the sidewalk again. He walked three blocks before he realized that he was heading in the wrong direction. He turned around to head towards his home and was hit in the chest by flying ball of donut dough.

In Marvin’s town, the people have a peculiar habit of throwing uncooked donuts at passersby. The reasoning has still not been worked out, but local superstitions take most of the blame. Most people wouldn’t have been too upset at being smacked in the chest with a donut, but along with being allergic to mice, Marvin also broke out with a rash every time he touched chocolate. Strangely enough, this was a strawberry donut, and it seemed his luck had actually come through. The original donut throwing culprit seemed to be having a slow day, though, so he threw another donut just for good measure–a chocolate one.

Marvin finally arrived at his house. He panicked momentarily, for he realized that he had locked his keys inside, but he remembered that he had left his windows open. His landlord had noticed, though, and closed them, but not before the rain had drenched everything inside.

Marvin was much too tired to remember his spare key, so he broke one of the window panes, cutting his hand in the process. He opened the door just as his roommate showed up with the second key.

Marvin walked in, noticed that the water was still running in the sink, and found out the hard way that the stove burner on which he had placed his jacket was still on high.

“You know what?” He said rhetorically to his roommate, “I just can’t win. I’m going to try to lose. Maybe I’ll fail at that, too.”

So he played chess with himself. He tied.