Once upon a time, there was a man who had everything that he could ever possibly want. In fact, he even had everything that he could impossibly want (which is, as everyone knows, a very tricky feat indeed.) He lived long ago, as most people in these stories do, and so his life was much simpler than yours or mine.
He may have had everything that he could have ever possibly (or impossibly) wanted, but there was one thing that he didn’t have. The problem is, he didn’t want it. Now of course, I’ve already said (twice) that he had everything that he ever could have possibly (or impossibly) wanted, so what is it that existed that he could never have? That thing, you see, was a dream.
The problem with dreams is that they never occur when one wants; in fact, if one wants a dream bad enough, he is bound to dream about the wanting. The peculiar case of the gentleman in our story, however, is that he knew nothing of dreams. He had never had one, and he could not grasp the concept when it was explained to him. This most unfortunate affliction left our protagonist most confused and perplexed.
In his confusion, he began to ponder the vastness of the quandary that had sprung before him. He thought about dreams, and he wondered why he could not experience them. He knew that dreams existed, yet he had never known one himself. He could not, therefore, want something about which he knew nothing. The concept of a dream can be explained, but the dream itself is a unique and personal experience, something that goes beyond the scope of mere bedtime stories.
Seeing himself in this fix, he decided that he should never sleep again. So he went to the South Pole, which is quite cold, and he slept amongst the penguins and walruses until he died. That is why, from that point onward, the penguins formed a secret society of dream-creators. The penguins creep from house to house and whisper the most inane things in your ears. So if you ever have a strange dream, remember the man who could not dream, and thank your guardian penguins.
Everything seems like a good idea at 12:30 at night…. even this story…
I haven’t done any how-to’s on here yet, so I figured I’d start off with something that everyone should know how to do. The following instructions detail how to act like a spam bot.
- First: Start off your message with a very strange salutation. Dear Persons, Hello Dear, Dear to Whom it May Concern, Hello my Friend
- Second: Forget everything you ever learned about grammar, spelling, and the modern usage of the English language. It helps to use slightly archaic words such as “thusly”, “thence”, or “wherefore”.
- Thirdly: Start playing around with your sentence structure. You never want your sentences to sound completely logical. For example: Would you like to start making thousands of dollars everyday on-line? Becomes: How would you start to like making thousands of on-line dollars everyday?
- Fourth: Make up
cornyofficial sounding acronyms. Then use said acronyms throughout your post. i.e.: Multi-Organizational Websites: “M.O.W.s”; Official Organization Email Services: “O.O.E.S.”; Canadian Internet Program: “C.I.P.s”
- Finally: Come up with a slightly official sounding hotmail or AIM email address that you can use to tack to the end of your message and correspond with all of your newfound internet followers. End your message with something to confirm to your readers that you really care: God Bless You, Go in Peace, May the Force be With You. (Something like that.) Go around, make accounts with names like FreeInternetLoans, GetCashFast, OfficialEmails and start posting! I’m sure you’ll get lots of friends this way.
Oh, by the way, before you go, I have a special offer for you:
Dear Best One, I have a special new offer for you! Clicking the link in this message will take you to the internet site XanthusKidd set up on WordPress.com – a very cool internet weblogging site. Please do consider looking around therein. It is a very unike and unusual collection of messages that were made to phish peoples emails with. But don’t worry! It is not made to hurt your computer: only to warn you. Your Sincere Friend, XanthusKidd. Phishing Scams
Alright, I’m done now.