Lol

Grand Ventures

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To those of you who are avid perusers and loyal followers of this humble internet web log, I am writing to inform you of an adventure upon which I am embarking. Two of my friends and I are traveling to the state of Arkansas, taking with us nary but that which we need to survive. Almost like the brave explorers of old, we are venturing into formerly uncharted areas and seeking to subdue the lands. I’m going camping. 

We are packing naught but a tarpaulin structure, supported by aluminum staves; a pack containing rations and other essentials, and perhaps a few spare garments. We may, perchance, let a fraction of the everyday luxuries accompany us, with the admittance of a cloth-bound volume or two, but our lives shall not be intruded upon by the presence of such trivialities as Facebook or Twitter. Indeed, not even this blog shall be assessable to me whilst I am away in the foreign realms. We’re tent camping and I won’t have access to internet.

In short, I shall not be around to post. Neither here nor on Assorted Pastries. In the interim of my departure and return, I would love to hear the accounts of your most memorable camping experiences. In return, I promise that you shall receive a narrative of some sort relating to the camping trip, as well as the better pictures that come of this venture. Tell me a story, and I’ll tell one to you. Even if you don’t tell me a story, I still tell one to you. 

I bid you good day,
~ Chris

Food Theory — Part 3

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This is a continuation of Food Theory — Part 2. 

Over the centuries, many different sub-concepts and theories have evolved from the human knowledge of food. Some of the strangest and most interesting were developed by a wacko psychologist named Sigmund Freud.  It’s not what you think. [...]

Freud was obsessed with one particular aspect of human nature: hunger. Freud proposed that every action taken, both intentional and subconscious, is fueled in some way by hunger. Through his methods of tropsyanalysis don’t bother looking it up, just try to remember your Greek and free association, Freud was able to draw many interesting conclusions about the nature of the appetite. Freud found that many people were hungry as children; they grew up wanting food, yet they were denied it by their parents. Freud expanded his repression theory to include multiple factors. He proposed that people who dislike certain foods do so because they were overfed those foods as a child. Traumatic experiences with badly cooked food were also blamed for aversions to certain foods. Remember that time you were attacked by that huge killer donut? No, Freud didn’t think you would…

Through his method of free association, Freud was able to discover what he thought were the underlying problems with many people’s appetites. Patients would be given a variety of foods and asked to report their associations with each. Tastes like chicken…

One of Freud’s most controversial theories is the Edibles Complex. Freud stated that all children wish to eat their parents’ food. Babies are given baby food, but they desire to take their parents’ and eat anything that is edible. Using this theory, Freud justified many cases of theft, covetousness, and even murder. Anything, in Freud’s eyes, could be justified if the perpetrator was hungry enough. Even Grand Larceny of Pop tarts. That’s a pretty big deal. 

Freud states that all people are born liking everything, yet they develop appetites and dislikes for certain foods due to their surroundings and upbringing. This is why most people from the North dislike sweet tea. They have been raised to abhor that Southern delicacy which all truly awesome people like.  

Thankfully Unfortunately, Sigmund had a propensity for cigars. He was warned that smoking them would endanger his health, but he ignored the advice and continued smoking–citing his theory that his hunger for cigars was naturally unavoidable. Eventually, he developed cancer and persuaded his doctor help him commit suicide. After administering lethal amounts of pancakes, Freud’s doctor declared him dead. This is why I have never written on pancakes. I try to steer clear of potentially controversial topics.

Good Day!
~XK

The Various Sundry

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Having decided that you needed a blog update, I came up with this… enjoy. All these tips have been contrived and tested and verified to be true by myself.

It’s probably not wise to yell “eat it!” when you beat somebody to a pump at a gas station.

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Cucumbers are good when garnished with ketchup.

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iPod Touches are not waterproof…
Neither are cellphones….
Or headlamps… in the ocean.

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Don’t boil the water before you drop the egg in, it doesn’t work that way…

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Don’t try to clear a clog in an ink cartridge by sucking on it… that stuff tastes horrible.

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The old Palm Pilots can survive anything… except riding in your pocket while you’re playing football. 

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Don’t break a glow stick over your face, that burns really badly… and makes you go temporarily blind.

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Don’t catch a baseball with your finger… that hurts.

Yeah, it hurt.
Trust me on this one… that’s my hand.

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Have a good day. 😉

Peace,
~XK