Perhaps I was a bit harsh in my sweeping generalizations of the last post; so, today, I think I’ll lay out my idea of some acceptable Christmas songs. What is my idea of an acceptable Christmas song?
- It can’t be annoying. Oh yeah right, like my opinion’s all subjective and stuff. Psshhh. Examples include Santa Claus is Coming to Town, I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas, I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, and Taylor Swift’s Love Story. Yes, I know that’s not a Christmas song… I still don’t like it.
- It must not be played in excess of 15 times per day. Pretty self-explanatory.
- It must be acceptable listening outside of the Christmas season. Who actually listens to “Jingle Bell Rock” of their own freewill?
- It cannot be called Santa Baby. That song is an abhorrence and a blight upon the face of the music industry.
Now, let’s make a list; shall we? All of the songs in the link below are approved as awesome and acceptable for Christmastime listening. If you do nothing else, you have to watch the last video in the list…
Have fun listening (to something, anyway)!
Much to the disdain of myself and (most undoubtedly) others like me, it is that horrible and most unfortunate season again. That terrible time that so rudely takes up far too much of an otherwise impeccable and pristine blank space on the calendar of life. Indeed, my friends, it is with tremulous voice and unsteady hand that I attempt to put down on paper a most uncouth and ghastly pronouncement.
But come! What else was there to be done? This question has racked my mind and being until the very fabric of my meager existence began to unravel and come to danger of bursting aflame! If indeed, in the course of reading this atrocious perambulate, you reach an answer or even come to terms with this odious and most discordant conundrum, do please come forth and state your most sought after and treasured conquest.
To continue… of course! The continuation of any locomotive having once been dissuaded from its set path is enough to grant even the least sentimental of skeptics a glance at the meaning of joy. So, thenceforth, onward with the train of thought that is mine. Alas, indeed; must it finally come to this? Must I name the source of this cacophonous tragedy that is imposing its bleak towers upon the walls of our stalwart defenses.
The holidays are upon us. The modulations are creeping in through the walls. The terrible fate that visits oh-so-predictably is back once again. Say hello to your doom and goodbye to your friends. The terrors are upon us and they have already come. Beware. Holiday cheers? No, I’m afraid it cannot be so. Holiday tears. My friends, the Christmas music is here.
Disclaimer: Yes I do usually dislike Christmas music. No, I don’t hate all Christmas music. Exhibit A: Relient k’s Christmas album. No, I don’t usually talk like this. Yes, I like pop tarts. No, I’m not sure why the fabric of my existence is flammable. No, I didn’t buy the extended warranty. Yes, I like small kittens and bleu cheese–separately and in different ways. No, I’ve never seen Gone With the Wind. My favorite book is The Count of Monte Cristo. Are you still reading this? You should stop and have an Oreo. Did you know I can read your mind? You’re thinking about cookies. Anyway, have a nice life.
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer!… (Now it’s stuck in your head.)
The holiday season: that joyous time of merriment and rampant celebration. The cookies are baked en masse, the candy canes adorn the store shelves, and the eggnog flows freely for all. All, that is, but that most oppressed and downtrodden of species. The bulk of the open and freely-displayed bigotry may be gone from this earth, but there remains a most atrocious display of commonly overlooked and generally condoned discrimination.
Of course, by now you’re most likely not a little confused; perhaps you may even be wondering what it is that I am speaking of. To display such forward and clearly convinced conjecture as that to which I have just mustered my efforts to put forth, the stakes must indeed be high. Before you read any further, however, I must tell you that this is indeed one of those posts that I write in a rather silly mood, and it does not present any real bearing upon any situation at present.
So, what is that species which is so brutally treated by the bulk of humanity in such civilized times as these? But of course, it is the Christmas Tree! Every year, tens of millions of Americans set forth upon a journey to choose the most perfectly-formed tree with which to adorn their respective abodes. In the traditional rituals, the family members would suit up for the cold weather, pick their weapons of choice, and embark on a mission to purge a coniferous trunk of the wonderful conical shrub that grew from its roots. The poor, innocent pine cones had no idea that one day they would grow into a beautiful, viridian-hued masterpiece that would be so cruelly hacked apart and tied into a bundle, only to later be once-more raised in the form of a living room embellishment.
Since the advent of electricity and the Christmas light, the world has grown into an even harsher place for the Christmas Trees. They are thrust into an often-neglected watering stand and left in the warm, dry environments of the common house. The lights will periodically short, or the wires will fray; then the tree will become engulfed in the terrible flames of its own needles. Needless to say, this is an improvement from the terribly barbaric methods that involved candles and open flames. The only consolation lies in the fact that the oppressors’ homes are often brought down in the martyrs’ luminous departure.
So, remember this humble tragedy the next time you venture into a store or out into the woods to fetch a tree to add a bit of flourish to your decor. The Christmas Trees have already suffered so much, will you really compound their pain with your own selfish motives?
Of course, to put forth such a blatant admonition and accusation of such horrible wrongs without also suggesting reform would be almost as terrible as participating in the oppression myself. In the stead of Christmas Trees, I propose that we should use boulders. Boulders are both commonplace and multitudinous throughout many regions of this world. They are largely useless in their current forms and quite incapable of feeling the oppressive will that is turned towards them. Boulders are non-flammable and they do not require constant renewal of fluid sustenance. They can be painted and decorated to match any home in which they are placed. It is a humble, and perhaps unique, suggestion, but do not shun it merely for the traditions of your culture. Consider the pain and suffering which we have inflicted upon the trees, then make your decision. The choice is yours.