Flarp

Cleaning Your House – Extreme Antics Edition

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Cleaning the house… fun and exciting event, right? Well, unless you enjoy sweeping crud into little piles and moving the piles into dustpans, probably not. I have a few pointers to help bring your spring cleaning spree from the doldrums and rejuvenate any boring task.

What you’ll needed: One or two CO2 powered airsoft guns, some really ugly wool clothes, some awesome music that you love, a roll of packaging tape, a Roomba robotic vacuum, a kitten, catnip, cleaning solution, a laser pointer, a Komondor or other long-haired dog (optional), your grandma (also optional). (sorry granny)

♦ First of all: Get some epic music playing. Turn on the Inception or Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack and get into a dust-killing mood. If soundtracks aren’t your forte, then play this. (It’ll make you wish you had the soundtracks.)

♦ Secondly: Get out your airsoft gun(s). These will be replacing the rags you would normally use for dusting. Make sure that there is no ammo in the guns. Now take your guns, aim them at any dust that’s residing on your furniture and fire away! The air from the gun will blow the dust right off of the furniture.

♦ Third: Now that you’ve dusted the hard surfaces, it’s time to move onto the cloth covered furniture. Take out your roll of tape and wrap some around your hand with (IMPORTANT) the sticky side out. (Don’t blame me if you get that backwards.) You now have a perfectly good hair and dust collector for cloth chairs and couches. Now start attacking your couch like you’re a ninja. (It helps here to have Eye of the Tiger playing.)  

♦ Fourth: You’ve worked pretty hard so far, right? Now it’s time to sit back and have a little fun. Get your Roomba and your kitten. Cover the Roomba with double sided tape and then sprinkle catnip on it. Now release the kitten to attack the Roomba. Sit back and watch.

♦ Fifth: It’s now time to “sweep.” Get out those ugly wool clothes that you’ve always hated and call your grandma into the room. Put them on and do snow angels all over the floor. (This will do almost as good of a job as sweeping.) This serves two purposes, it cleans your floor and makes your grandma laugh. (As long as she didn’t get you the clothes.)

♦ Sixth:
This part I’ve always wanted to try… Go fetch your long haired dog. Call Fluffy over and cover him/her with cleaning solution. (Make sure you get the natural stuff so that it doesn’t bother your pup.) Now get your laser pointer and have the little fellow chase it all over the floor. Make sure you get the corners.

Dust Mop Dog

There you go! Now go ahead and go get your music and guns and dogs and all of the other necessities, and… clean your house!

Happy Cleaning,
~XK

P.S. – Or you could hire a maid, but that’s not nearly as fun. 😉