A topic which is very dear to my heart has recently invaded my mind as a matter of some import, for, you see, I realized that I have completely and utterly ignored this most important of items when writing in this blog. I did a quick review, and I found that I have designated exactly no posts to this extremely vital…. thing. Coffee. Yes, that nectar of the Fortunate Isles. The Promised Land was flowing with milk and honey, and one can only speculate that this was so that the Israelites’ coffee would not be barren. Coffee is that beverage that greets me when I awaken and is still ready for a sip before I settle down for the evening. Coffee goes with virtually every desert that doesn’t contain fruit, and chocolate, that wonderful food from the heavens, is one of coffee’s constant companions. Coffee can be enjoyed by one’s self, or it can be partaken of by an entire army. Water and fire are both needed to create it, and a host of additions can be made. Sugars, honeys, dairies, and an entire consortium of flavors can be combined to create any manner of coffee derivative, but in the end, it is still a coffee. I have compiled a list of possible things to do with coffee. Here it is.
- Use it in a cake. Yes, you could have coffee cake, coffee icing, coffee chips, coffee, um, flavor…
- Take a bath in it. Because everybody likes someone who smells like coffee. (It just might be a tad bit sticky…)
- Roast a bunch of coffee, pour it out, and repeat. ‘Cause really, the best part of coffee is the smell.
- Spread it in the lower atmosphere to create coffee rain. (IDK if that’s possible, but NASA, now that you’re not busy with moon stuff, wanna try it?)
- Make a deeply philosophical and socially-relevant music video about it.
- Build a castle. Surround said castle with a moat. Fill moat with coffee. Paint angry alligator faces on coffee beans and float them in the moat.
- Float rubber duckies in it, because rubber duckies like coffee, too.
- Use it in a Super Soaker during a water fight. They’ll never see it coming. >.>
- Feed it to a class of pre-schoolers, and then run away very quickly.
- Write a blog post about it.
While such a short list is prohibitive and really insufficient to truly cover the boundless opportunities provided by such a wondrous substance, I really must end this post at some point. So, I regret to announce, this is the End. I am going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell. Goodbye.
(Until next time…)
No… this isn’t a post about alcohol. Tsk tsk… you should know me better by now. This is actually a post that is intended to promote the enjoyment and wonderfulness of the most fantastic of beverages. What would that be? Well then, there exist only a few options.
Alcoholic beverages are out of the equation — anything that causes people to run into trees in the middle of the night can’t be good. Except for Tim Tebow. He’s like… the greatest good, and he can probably make people run into trees.
Obviously, soda pop for you Yankees is one of the great inventions in the world of liquid ingestibles; however, the fact that it can double as a high-strength corrosive is slightly disconcerting. And you can use it to clean toilets. That makes me wanna drink Coke…
In the Great American South, nothing surpasses the glory and fame of the esteemed Sweet Tea. I’m pretty sure that if the South was an animistic culture, the tea god would be a deity comparable only to the fried chicken and pimento cheese sandwich gods. Even though I am a great lover of sweet tea, I cannot bring myself to list it as the best of drinks. Why? I once mistook the sweet tea for the pancake syrup; unfortunately, there wasn’t any discernible difference.
Closely related in form and name, but varying widely in taste, we have the wonderful British contribution of Hot Tea. Tea is a great beverage, but due to the fact that Britain once over-taxed a little colony of theirs, there has arisen another and more American drink in every sense of the word. Due to the fact that the phrase “tea party” conjures up images of little girls and Toy Story, this beverage has also fallen short of the title of greatest.
What is the wonderful beverage that has overshadowed even the most ubiquitous drink of the might British empire? Let’s see if you can guess. Although it has born the brunt of many criticisms of the medical community, it has many redeeming qualities. 1) It tastes good. 2) It goes great with milk, sugar, creamer, and many other additives. 3) It can come in many different forms, from hot to cold to ice creamed to home-brewed. 4) It gives a boost of energy the equivalent of eating 16 candy canes (depending on the quantity of beverage.) If you haven’t yet guessed what drink it is that I am talking about, then please… get a life. Just kidding. (Sort of.) Anyhow, coffee is my number one favorite drink of all time. In fact, I will even venture so far as to say that it is the best of all beverages that one could drink. Excepting maybe water… but that’s just plain boring.