Dictionary

The Best Dictionary Ever — Volume II

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I almost forgot about this series, but thankfully, I found this draft in my archives. This is a continuation of The Best Dictionary Ever. Read on to be enlightened.

More Important Things Explained

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Cats: Generally considered evil masterminds, these animals are actually just here to observe our race. They care nothing for either mastering nor destroying the earth; they wish merely to upset the established order and spread a little chaos. All in the name of science, of course.

Books: A legal drug, approved and even promoted by most progressive governments and educational systems. Used to alleviate depression, boredom, and other ailments of the mind. Side-effects include dizziness, upset stomach, depression, sadness, drowsiness, obsessive behavior, and mild paper cuts.

Dictionaries: Drab things that exist primarily to confirm or deny the existence of allegedly misused words.

Dogs: These animals are like the UN of the animal world. They try to keep all of the other animals from disrupting the peace; in the process, however, they usually just make matters worse.

Facebook: A website designed to collect all of the excess “spare time” on our planet. Although touted as a social networking site, it has the side effect of gradually decaying most people’s actual social life. It is assumed by some that this will be used as a a weapon in the impending Zomboogle Apocalypse.

Music: That wonderful tool with which we can annoy, enlighten, bring joy to, or depress any person whom we choose (as long as said person is not deaf).

Spotify: The best internet music application ever.  

The Zomboogle Apocalypse: Despite Google’s insinuation that they are a good-loving organization, they will eventually turn all unsuspecting Google users into zombies. Only Mac users and careful internet users will be spared (definition pending).

To be continued…?

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Peace
~ XK

In other news, (I’ll soon be announcing it officially), there’s a new button in the menu at the top of my blog. Check it out?

The Best Dictionary Ever

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I started off writing a post about how I loved and cherished and held to dear to my life all those things filled with words and pages and stuff (books). I realized, though, that a Milky Way bar was sitting on my desk, and I quickly succumbed to the lesser me. Then I realized that I had no motivation at all to write about books. Those are far too sacred of objects to be carelessly scribbled about in a Milky Way-induced euphoria. So instead, I decided to do what I do best. Ramble. The following is a dissertation on everything important.

Everything Important Explained

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College: A very large  social experiment in which the test subjects voluntarily pay to undergo the strangest of rituals–probably a conspiracy, but what isn’t?

Grammar: The grammar system is the result of all the pent-up OCD of every overly-influential language scholar. It serves no function other than to facilitate the object of written communication, confuse young children, and torture innocent students.

Guns: Guns don’t kill people; bears kill people.

Lighters: Tools used for burning cigarettes, starting fires, and razing buildings. Read owner’s manual before using.

Photography: Photography is the means by which the phrase “taking a picture” describes a legitimate action.

Pop Tarts: Pop Tarts give meaning to any toaster’s life.

Root Beer: This is the best soda ever. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If there’s a national carbonated soft drink of Heaven, this is it.

Rubber Duckies: These seemingly innocent little creatures are plotting to take over the world, aided by the ever-scheming and endlessly-devious goats.

Service Bells: Service bells are like doorbells, they rarely ever serve their intended functions. Instead, they become vessels of annoyance and impatience.

To Be Continued…

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A note to my awesome readers: I’m sorry for the large lapse in time between posts. I recently started a new full-time job, so I’ve been a bit busier than normal. Getting up at 5:15 am every morning is a new and sometimes painful experience. I promise that I’ll post something beefier soon. Like a cow.

A note to all my other readers: see above.

Cheers!
~ XK