I started off writing a post about how I loved and cherished and held to dear to my life all those things filled with words and pages and stuff (books). I realized, though, that a Milky Way bar was sitting on my desk, and I quickly succumbed to the lesser me. Then I realized that I had no motivation at all to write about books. Those are far too sacred of objects to be carelessly scribbled about in a Milky Way-induced euphoria. So instead, I decided to do what I do best. Ramble. The following is a dissertation on everything important.
Everything Important Explained
College: A very large social experiment in which the test subjects voluntarily pay to undergo the strangest of rituals–probably a conspiracy, but what isn’t?
Grammar: The grammar system is the result of all the pent-up OCD of every overly-influential language scholar. It serves no function other than to facilitate the object of written communication, confuse young children, and torture innocent students.
Guns: Guns don’t kill people; bears kill people.
Lighters: Tools used for burning cigarettes, starting fires, and razing buildings. Read owner’s manual before using.
Photography: Photography is the means by which the phrase “taking a picture” describes a legitimate action.
Pop Tarts: Pop Tarts give meaning to any toaster’s life.
Root Beer: This is the best soda ever. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If there’s a national carbonated soft drink of Heaven, this is it.
Rubber Duckies: These seemingly innocent little creatures are plotting to take over the world, aided by the ever-scheming and endlessly-devious goats.
Service Bells: Service bells are like doorbells, they rarely ever serve their intended functions. Instead, they become vessels of annoyance and impatience.
To Be Continued…
A note to my awesome readers: I’m sorry for the large lapse in time between posts. I recently started a new full-time job, so I’ve been a bit busier than normal. Getting up at 5:15 am every morning is a new and sometimes painful experience. I promise that I’ll post something beefier soon. Like a cow.
A note to all my other readers: see above.