I started off writing a post about how I loved and cherished and held to dear to my life all those things filled with words and pages and stuff (books). I realized, though, that a Milky Way bar was sitting on my desk, and I quickly succumbed to the lesser me. Then I realized that I had no motivation at all to write about books. Those are far too sacred of objects to be carelessly scribbled about in a Milky Way-induced euphoria. So instead, I decided to do what I do best. Ramble. The following is a dissertation on everything important.
Everything Important Explained
College: A very large social experiment in which the test subjects voluntarily pay to undergo the strangest of rituals–probably a conspiracy, but what isn’t?
Grammar: The grammar system is the result of all the pent-up OCD of every overly-influential language scholar. It serves no function other than to facilitate the object of written communication, confuse young children, and torture innocent students.
Guns: Guns don’t kill people; bears kill people.
Lighters: Tools used for burning cigarettes, starting fires, and razing buildings. Read owner’s manual before using.
Photography: Photography is the means by which the phrase “taking a picture” describes a legitimate action.
Pop Tarts: Pop Tarts give meaning to any toaster’s life.
Root Beer: This is the best soda ever. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If there’s a national carbonated soft drink of Heaven, this is it.
Rubber Duckies: These seemingly innocent little creatures are plotting to take over the world, aided by the ever-scheming and endlessly-devious goats.
Service Bells: Service bells are like doorbells, they rarely ever serve their intended functions. Instead, they become vessels of annoyance and impatience.
To Be Continued…
A note to my awesome readers: I’m sorry for the large lapse in time between posts. I recently started a new full-time job, so I’ve been a bit busier than normal. Getting up at 5:15 am every morning is a new and sometimes painful experience. I promise that I’ll post something beefier soon. Like a cow.
A note to all my other readers: see above.
This week was Spring Break. It was fantastic to be able to get extra sleep, complete enough schoolwork to feel satisfied, and make an attempt at cooking a passable meal. It’s been great! Today though, something happened which has irreversibly altered my state of mind. It has caused me to question the meaning of life and look at things through a different lens. I remembered that evil does exist in this world. I found that everything is not coming up roses. Sadly, I realized that everyone does not want to be my friend.
You see, today I rediscovered a horrible travesty towards mankind. I found, in my hand, a Buttered Popcorn Jelly Belly. I know, it is terrible. I understand; I did not mean to scare you so. I’m sorry; I will not mention it again. But I had to tell someone. I had to see if anyone understood how this tragic incident has affected my life. I wanted you to know that if you too have been afflicted by this terror, there are people who understand. Please don’t feel alone when you find a Buttered Popcorn mixed into your jelly beans. You will survive; just know, you will never be the same.
Note: If you do like Buttered Popcorn Jelly Bellys, please know that I still accept you as a person. I cannot, however, continue as your friend. I’m sorry it had to end this way, but we can’t go on in this state of denial. Goodbye. I will miss you. (But not your culinary tastes.)