Cleaning Your House – Extreme Antics Edition

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Cleaning the house… fun and exciting event, right? Well, unless you enjoy sweeping crud into little piles and moving the piles into dustpans, probably not. I have a few pointers to help bring your spring cleaning spree from the doldrums and rejuvenate any boring task.

What you’ll needed: One or two CO2 powered airsoft guns, some really ugly wool clothes, some awesome music that you love, a roll of packaging tape, a Roomba robotic vacuum, a kitten, catnip, cleaning solution, a laser pointer, a Komondor or other long-haired dog (optional), your grandma (also optional). (sorry granny)

♦ First of all: Get some epic music playing. Turn on the Inception or Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack and get into a dust-killing mood. If soundtracks aren’t your forte, then play this. (It’ll make you wish you had the soundtracks.)

♦ Secondly: Get out your airsoft gun(s). These will be replacing the rags you would normally use for dusting. Make sure that there is no ammo in the guns. Now take your guns, aim them at any dust that’s residing on your furniture and fire away! The air from the gun will blow the dust right off of the furniture.

♦ Third: Now that you’ve dusted the hard surfaces, it’s time to move onto the cloth covered furniture. Take out your roll of tape and wrap some around your hand with (IMPORTANT) the sticky side out. (Don’t blame me if you get that backwards.) You now have a perfectly good hair and dust collector for cloth chairs and couches. Now start attacking your couch like you’re a ninja. (It helps here to have Eye of the Tiger playing.)  

♦ Fourth: You’ve worked pretty hard so far, right? Now it’s time to sit back and have a little fun. Get your Roomba and your kitten. Cover the Roomba with double sided tape and then sprinkle catnip on it. Now release the kitten to attack the Roomba. Sit back and watch.

♦ Fifth: It’s now time to “sweep.” Get out those ugly wool clothes that you’ve always hated and call your grandma into the room. Put them on and do snow angels all over the floor. (This will do almost as good of a job as sweeping.) This serves two purposes, it cleans your floor and makes your grandma laugh. (As long as she didn’t get you the clothes.)

♦ Sixth:
This part I’ve always wanted to try… Go fetch your long haired dog. Call Fluffy over and cover him/her with cleaning solution. (Make sure you get the natural stuff so that it doesn’t bother your pup.) Now get your laser pointer and have the little fellow chase it all over the floor. Make sure you get the corners.

Dust Mop Dog

There you go! Now go ahead and go get your music and guns and dogs and all of the other necessities, and… clean your house!

Happy Cleaning,

P.S. – Or you could hire a maid, but that’s not nearly as fun. 😉

How To Be Underestimated

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Once again I bring you another helpful article in my inane series of how-tos.

It’s probably a natural tendency to try to present yourself as an imposing and knowledgeable person. I, however, have a different tactic to suggest; I’d like to teach you how to be underestimated and show you the benefits that follow.

  • First of all, underestimation by others is dependent upon your presentation of yourself. If you don’t want people to see your true capabilities, then don’t brag about all of your accomplishments. (I graduated first in my class… I have 17 degrees… I speak 23 languages and 34 variations of those languages and I understand ASL.)

XKCD - Toot -

  • What the underestimation tactic is not: It is not the same as under-performance or lack of confidence. You want to know that you have the ability to do something, but you don’t want to care if others know your abilities. (Knowledge is power and in this case, if you want to have the upper hand, you have to pretend that the upper hand belongs to someone else, allowing them to perceivably have control.)
  • If there’s someone who’s being very boisterous and vocal, yet you know that their opinion is wrong, let them try it. It will a) help that person by forcing upon them the realization that they are wrong and b) it will make others more open to your opinions.
  • Sit back and watch. You learn a lot about others just from watching them. Listen to others’ opinions and postulations and allow the more vocal people to work out possible scenarios to problems. Remember, as long as the people are not in a position of authority over you, it really doesn’t matter what they think about you. (Now, if those people are going to give you pop tarts for behaving a certain way, you need to humor them.)
  • Use this tactic wisely. It’s not smart to pretend like you’re an average person if you’re at a job interview or in a situation that needs resolution quickly. (Don’t hold back the info that you’re an expert on the Canis Lupus when you’re being ringed in by a pack of hungry gray wolves…)

Go ahead and give it a try the next time you’re sitting at a geek convention waiting for the  Zune and iPod representatives to finish duking it out. Let them present all of their options. Then walk up from your unnoticed little corner and say, I got you all beat – and pull out your Tape Cassette Walkman. That’ll leave ’em speechless. I promise. 😉

How to Protect Your Mental Machinations

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(The second of my inane series of hardly serious how-to’s upon the most important subjects in this life.) 

Obviously, there are many things in this world which are worth protecting. Your money, your family, your pop-tarts… There are, however, some things in this world that are harder to protect, especially those things which are difficult to define or quantify. Now, I’m not speaking of silly things like love or other such fleeting feelings. No. What I am referring to are imaginary friends or pets. (Henceforth referred to as “imaginary friends.”) Your imaginary friends need your protection. I will detail to you how best to keep them safe from the many dangers and hazards in this world. 

  • Be Aware of the pitfalls that can ensnare an imaginary friend. Logic, psychiatrists, and stern parental figures are a few of the threats that present themselves to an imaginary friend. Remember, in order for your friend to stay healthy and in good spirits, you have to believe in them. (Cue Peter Pan music.)
  • Never introduce your imaginary friend to someone whom you don’t know well. This can lead to confusions on the part of both your friend and your new acquaintance. It will most likely end up with your imaginary friend’s feelings hurt (imaginary arguments can be nasty),  and your new acquaintance will probably not understand the situation fully. It is also very possible that the new acquaintance will choose to keep their distance.
  • Remember to often tell your imaginary friend how much he or she is loved. Imaginaries can get quite lonely in the confines of an uncaring mind.
  • Be Careful when talking to your imaginary friends about their state of existence. Some friends can be quite sensitive as to their condition. Remember that your friends are quite closely tied into your own consciousness; any saddening factors that affect them may also sadden yourself.
  • Avoid talking with them in public places – at least avoid doing so aloud. Exhibiting schizophrenic symptoms in public is frowned upon, or so I’m told.
  • Make life interesting for them. Remember, these people live in your imagination. Make it interesting! Throw in some dinosaurs, pirates, or evil kittens. It will be sure to make life magical for your friends. (Give them some pop-tarts too, they’ll like that.) 
  • Finally, remember – imaginary friends are people too, they’re just… special.

Hopefully these pointers will help you in your endeavors to protect those whom you value most. At least, those non-physical entities which call your imagination home. Now, go on! Go have a nice talk with your imaginary friends, play a round of chess in your head, and go watch a movie. I’m sure you’ll all enjoy that.

“Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.”
~ Oscar Wilde