Thanksgiving Special! (In which the story of the original thanksgiving is strangely and unothodoxly blended with Tolkien lore.)
For it was in the olden days that those known as the pilgrims were decided to travel to a new land. They were not seafaring folk, yet they determined to sail across the great ocean. The oppression of their king had grown too heavy, and the prospect of a new life was enticing. Upon their arrival in the new land, they encountered many strange and unknown things. The people of the land were known as Indians. The Indians were an ancient race, attuned with the woods and closely bound to nature. The Indians watched the pilgrims with trepidation, for the light-skins were not to be trusted.
The pilgrims made poorly through the winter, for they were unprepared for the inclement weather. The corn that they grew fed them barely; many died, and later, it became a symbol of remembrance for the pilgrims to place five kernels of corn on their plates, as this symbolized the lack of sustenance throughout the early years. Therefore, the strongest of them traveled to the rock known as Plymouth. There they forged in secret the kernels of power. Three they made for the Indians lords and nine for the kings of men, but one of the Pilgrims, the strongest of them all, forged in secret a kernel stronger still. Into this he poured all of his knowledge and self. Thus the one kernel was formed. One kernel to rule them all, one kernel to find them. One kernel to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.
But the dark pilgrim waited, and the kernels of power brought prosperity to the land. The pilgrims and Indians feasted together and formed an uncertain alliance. Thus thanksgiving came to be, and the dark pilgrim waited.
Epilogue: Later, the Dark Pilgrim was killed in a fluke covered-wagon accident, and his kernel lay undiscovered, until Orville Redenbacher discovered it in the 1950s. He was able to harness the kernel’s power and bring about a revolution in corn popping. So, remember the pilgrims whenever you eat popcorn, and be thankful.
I tend to be a bit too fatalistic and depressing at times, and for those of you who tend to dislike being depressed and fatalized, I offer immense and unabated apologies. For those of you who wish to be depressed, oppressed, compressed, or impressed, I offer slightly less immense (but no lessly unabated) apologies. Golly, I just made up like… two words…
Anyhow, I got to thinking the other day about how easy it is to get caught up in the depressing and negative aspects of our lives. We take the positives for granted, as if they are supposed to happen, but when bad things occur, we tend to throw fits and small children and whatever else is close and lightweight. In the interests of preserving the general physical structure of small children, I would like to point out the counterpoint of Murphy’s Law. Murphy’s Law states that “whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.” Now, I may be falling into my fatalism here, but isn’t that pretty obvious? Let’s restate it. “Whatever can happen will happen.” Perhaps I have a loose definition of “can,” but I’ve always though Murphy’s Law is a bit redundant. So, let’s turn this thing on its head. “If something can go right, it will go right.” There. I said it. I said something positive. Be happy, people.
Of course, this all depends on us viewing the world as binary. Things will either happen or they will not. There can be no state of “possibly” or “might.” Bad things still might happen, and good things are also possible, but we won’t know until they’re here. Something is only “possible” (but not definite) because we don’t know if it’s definite or not. It might be definite, or it might be not be at all. Things become either positive or not when they occur, and this brings up another point.
Never say something could have happened. Things in the past cannot exist in a non-definitive state when viewed from the present. If something bad happened, then the good counter part that we once, at the time, thought was possible was never possible. In the same vein of thinking, bad things that we onced feared, which are no longer possible, were never possible. Even if it was a choice that we made that caused something to happen or not, then we were the factor that made that which didn’t happen impossible. It’s kinda cool to think about. I’ll leave you with one last example. President Obama and Mitt Romney both have a chance at winning this upcoming election. However, when the votes are cast and the winner decided, the loser never had any chance at winning. The factors were against him, and without altering time and lots of other cool stuff, he was always a loser.
Now I’m gonna go eat some of my whatever-was-sitting-near-me-when-I-decided-to-start-cooking soup.
There exist in this life many paths to ascension. We have more options than ever to reach higher planes. One is not forced by the constraints of society to remain on this humble earth. It is to be our goal in life to reach higher and better places, and many means have been provided to us through years of study and tradition. Of course, as with any system, certain ways of ascension are better than others. I will here detail a hierarchy of value of those methods by which one may reach a higher place. Like the Food Court or Belks.
Service Elevators are the lowest and basest means of ascension. These are useful for large items and those people of disproportionate anatomical architecture, but they provide little pleasure or satisfaction when used. Like bumper cars, they’re often disappointing.
Regular Stairwells are useful for exercising and escaping fires, but they hold no inherent enjoyable features other than these. Occasionally one may choose to hold competitions on a stairwell, to see how many steps one may bypass through the means of jumping, but any enjoyment must be derived by the user, and no stairwell is required for these acts of obvious boredom.
Ladders are commonly used for utility purposes, but they are also extremely helpful in cases of fires or chronic episodes of shortness. This method can be strenuous, but is more versatile and rewarding to those who commit to the proper usage of a ladder.
Escalators add an entertaining element to the traditional stair system. Instead of static steps that wait for human involvement, the escalator actively engages in raising humans to the next level. The escalator is the least forgiving and most dogmatic of any of these systems, however, as it proclaims only one way and one direction. Try fighting the tide on one of these, and the faithful adherents are likely to be put off by your attempts.
Hi-Speed Elevators rank next on the list of preferable means of ascension. The fulfillment that one experiences when racing skyward is thwarted only by the realization that one cannot see out of the elevator.
Glass Elevators solve the problem of the traditional elevator system. They provide both a view and an easy ascension to the desired level. These are one of the most preferable means of ascension. Especially rocket-powered glass elevators.
Spiral Staircases hold the position of best and most enjoyable of any of any means of justification by works. Indeed, one cannot find a more enjoyable method of rising to a previously unreached level.
I hope you can find personal fulfillment in your quest to reach a higher place, whether that be in your local mall, an office building, or in your own life. Remember these methods of ascension and put them to use. Perhaps you will one day reach that place that you are seeking.