The following post is a mash-up of all of my drafts. They are not meant to, nor do they, make a whole lot of sense. Enjoy.
To the people of America, not including those not residents of the United States and the Virgin Isles, I bid you good morning. It is with great pleasure and pride that I stand here to address you this evening.
*kkkrrrrkkkk TV static*
Those words are funny, are they not? They can lead to one or several of a nearly infinite pool of results. They could prompt destruction, or they could forbear the tidings of an unheard-of miracle cure. They could bring about a completely ridiculous idea, or they could hearken the coming of a perfectly marvelous proposition. This is bound to be of the former.
What if blogs were sentient? You know, they could could think thoughts and feel emotions. What would they say? Could they learn from the others in their realm, or would they be limited to the input provided them by their owners? In a way, any writing is alive through its readers, especially when the ideas contained within prompt discussion and debate, but what if the blog itself could observe its readers, form opions on its contents, and think about world events? What would it say?
I was going to write an article on hipsters. In fact, it was even requested of me, but I found the task inconceivably difficult, nigh insurmountable. Being the lazy chap that I am, I decided to write something vaguely close.
Everyone should have some taste of the nerd culture at some point in his or her life. Nerds are everywhere, especially in their natural habitat: the internet. To effectually know what a nerd is talking about, one must first understand several key concepts and phrases. I have compiled a list of said items.
The knowledge and even usage of certain nerd culture terms does not make one a nerd; many people will mix in references to popular nerd culture in their regular conversation. Let’s start off with the most basic of nerd languages, 1337 5p34k (leet speak).
1337 can be fairly inconsistent, as the language is not “officially” regulated. The goal is to substitute as many common roman letters with numbers or symbols. The language can be fairly cryptic; for example, if I wished to write my blog name as ><4n7|-|u5|<1|)|), this could easily confuse someone not familiar with the regular text name.
Moving on, many tv shows and movies contain token lines and items that are commonly referenced by nerds. Doctor Who, Star Wars, and Star Trek are incredibly popular examples.
The time, my friends, has indeed been long since we last discussed the theories and principles that govern the common views of food. The psychological influences and contributors were discussed in the last installment, but this post aims to bring the focus back to the theological. This article will focus on certain doctrines held by the believers in one true Chef.
Unfortunately, much contention has always existed amongst the followers of the Chef. Two chief factions of the Chef-followers have emerged.
Once upon a time, in a little metropolis, there lived a woman and her only daughter. Her daughter was a very kind little girl; everyone in the apartment complex loved her. She was given a red hoodie with little green zipper pulls when she was little, and that shirt and her iPhone were her constant companions throughout life. In fact, she was known throughout the community as Little Red iPhone Hoodie (or simply Red, for short).
As with all young girls of her age and era, she loved silly bandz, Apple products, and other shiny things. Unlike most of the children her age, she was very nice-tempered and kind towards others. One day, her mother asked her to take a new pair of headphones to Red’s grandmother. The girl obligingly complied, for she knew that there were many silly bandz shops along the streets on the way to her grandmother’s house. So, Red started on her way, looking at silly bands and finding all sorts of pretty things in the shops.
*kkkrrrrkkkk…. moar TV static*
I have a confession to make. I HATE (with capital everythings) the crunching sound of people eating.* This isn’t just a petty annoyance or a minor peeve. This is a major thing. The real deal. An Article of Maximum Disturbance. You know that scene in Return of the King in which Denethor is munching on some snacks whilst Merry sings to him? That is my least favorite movie scene of all time. The foley is disgusting and disgusts me. Needless to say, I was disgusted.
Now, I’m pretty bad at ranting; in fact, I’ve pretty much run out of things to say, but here is a list of unforgivables–things that could get you banned from this blog. FOREVER.
- The crunching of one’s non-crunchy food is not to be tolerated.
- The talking of one upon one’s phone should be minimal in volume.
- When eating, one should take care to keep one’s food within one’s mouth at all times.
And that’s all he wrote.
Video Posted on
Love it? Hate it? Indifferent?
I tend to be the that last category. I like breakfast, but I hardly ever eat it. I just don’t see the point. On days when I work, I get up too early (debatable, I know) to fix breakfast before I head to work, and on days that I’m off, I usually sleep in too late to justify eating breakfast.
Every once in a blue moon, though, when the stars align, the fates converge, and I forget to turn off my alarm clock, I decide to cook something for breakfast. This was one of those mornings. Actually, my dad woke me up a bit early today, but I still decided to cook some foodstuffs. Normally, when I consider cooking something for breakfast, that entails getting the toaster and popping in some Pop Tarts legacy post time. This morning, though, I wished for something a bit, more… dramatic. After all, what’s a morning meal without toast, bacon, eggs, and random French music?
Thank you for calling the inspiration hotline; para español, presione tres. Please speak your query.
*Sing to me, Oh muses, of the tales of old. Fill my mind with thoughts to thrill and enthrall.*
I’m sorry, but all of our inspiration agents are currently engaged. Please choose another option.
*Can I have a topic, perhaps? Just a quick outline to get me started?*
We are currently running a special on inspirational stories, buy one get ten free.
*I’m not interested; do you have any fiction or high fantasy available?*
I’m sorry, but access to this menu requires a Muse Premium© subscription. For a free 10-day trial, please hold.
*I’d rather not. I really just need some inspiration for a fantasy storyline.*
Please hold while your call is transfered to our billing department.
*I actually don’t want to buy–*
Hello, and welcome to Muse Premium© billing. How may I assist you today?
*Well, I actually don’t want to subscribe today…*
Oh, don’t worry. All we need is a credit card number and a valid address, and we can set you up with unlimited access to Premiumly-inspired© storylines, character development, and short-story outlines!
*All I’d really like is a brief outline; do you have anything in Faerie?*
Well sir, if you subscribe to Muse Premium©, not only will we provide unlimited access to our substantial inspiration database, but will give you an account on our website, which will work from any PC, Mac, or mobile device with an internet connection!
*I’m sorry, this isn’t really what I wanted. I’ll try back later*
I’m sorry to hear that sir. I’ll put you down as an interested customer, and you’ll receive a lot of spam from us over the next couple of years! We’ll also include some demo articles and half-way written blog posts that can sit in your drafts folder for quite a while.
So, yeah. My muses are weird.