…the press releases might read something like these.
Halloween 2 (Apple)
It’s the same holiday that you know and love, but we’ve made it even easier to celebrate. With over 25 million sweet stations, and a customizable candy choice, you can celebrate this iconic event from the comfort of your own city. With the Halloween 2, we’ve brought the holiday industry to new heights with new features such as Treats 2.0, iTricks, and Find My Gnome. Our revolutionary new Sweet Tooth bluetooth headset will let you post where you’ve found the best treats in your town or wherever you are! Find My Gnome is a convenient feature built into every Sweet Tooth; GPS signals allow you to track Sweet Tooths registered to your family. Rest assured that you’ll be able to find your way out of (or into) any scary situation.
With iTricks, just hold your iOS device against a prospective haunt, choose your flavor, and play a scary tone. Getting into the season has never been easier. Pre-order your Sweet Tooth today, and prepare yourself for the Halloween 2.
We’re excited to announce the best Easter yet: Easter 2014. Whether you plan to tag your friends in a new album or tag along with them to a relaxing picnic, we’ve got you covered. Our new News Feed is the same News Feed that we’ve always had, but this one is even more complicated and works better at least half of the time! With only one or two sponsored posts, and your settings staying set for an entire day, you are sure to enjoy the social scene this Easter. We’ve decorated our site in a lovely spring blue, and we’ve complicated the security settings even more! Make sure to have your Instagram app open and ready to capture all of your friends for filing in our extensive government database. (Also, do you know this person? You have 17 mutual friends.)
Memorial Day (Twitter)
It’s one of those Federal holidays that the majority of people really don’t know why it exists, and we know that you’ll want to document every minute of it in 140 characters or less. We’ve made sure that we won’t get hacked again anytime soon, and tons of celebrities will be posting valuable tidbits about their personal lives, and others’ personal lives. And how they hate that everyone is prying into their personal lives. And flame wars when someone says something perceivably racist or sexist. Actually, on second thought, just follow Death Star PR or Emergency Kittens.
President’s Day (Tumblr)
We know that the only names you’ll recognize are George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Obama, and John F. Kennedy, so we’re just going to continue posting clever GIFs.
Be Thankful for that iPhone
How the pilgrims survived that journey without Angry Birds.
Cooking Big Bird
Is America’s Turkey Obsession Unhealthy?
You’re Awesome (*sponsored link*)
Click it so we can make some money.
Several Buildings Explode in Another Country
You’ll click on this link because the US is obsessed with violence.
The Mayflower Didn’t Exist
It’s all a conspiracy to get you to spend money.
Because we’re the most benevolent and wonderful company in the world, we’ve decided to give you an awesome drawing of our logo. Make sure to like it and share it on Google+! We also have put our Google Glasses on sale! $1400 buys you a pair of glasses with which you can search anything in the world! Download our newest version of Google Maps, which gives the location of every publicly available fir tree that you can chop down for yourself! Happy Holidays!
Anyway, have a good weekend!