Is your life a highly engaging social euphoria? Are you happy with the way things are? Are you living a fulfilled, steady life? Apple doesn’t like that idea. The Cupertino-based company announced today that they have released yet another miracle device for the common man. According to Apple’s new iPad advertisement, you need their newest life-enhancement product. Whether you are satisfied with life or not, your life will not be complete until you buy the New iPad, and Apple will do everything in their power to convince you of this fact.
The New iPad is an amazing device that no person can live without. The last two versions of the iPad may have been breath-taking, but this incarnation is unsurpassed by any of its predecessors. Even though the New iPad looks the same as the iPad 2, Apple has assured us that they have added features that are being hailed as “steps-forward” and “minute improvements.” Apple has decided that even if the upgrades are small, they are necessary to the living of a happy life, and by no means will the company allow the size of the changes to affect the price increases. Remaining loyal to their policy of charging slightly more than what anyone could possibly justify, Apple’s leaders stand firm in their core values.
“We want complacently happy people to watch the advertisements for our newest devices. We want them to soak in all that we can do to improve their life. We want people to come away from our video convinced that they will be miserable without an iPad. […] After all, that’s what an iPad is; it’s a improvement on life. We want to show people how miserable their current lives actually are without the New iPad.”
~ Anonymous Apple Spokesman*
Apple has broadened their target audience from the elite niche crowd to the entire Western population. Deciding that the rich are not the only ones who need expensive toys to be happy, Apple has proposed that everyone needs their life-altering devices. This wonderful improvement isn’t free, however. Apple is certain that money does not equal happiness, and the company will happily sacrifice their happiness by exchanging their devices for your petty currency.
With stunning new features like a screen that makes videos even more real than life, the camera that takes pictures with quality nearing that of many cell phones, and support for two-year-old wireless technologies that allow people to connect to the internet while walking around, this version of the iPad is certain to improve and shatter the lives of many innocent people. So what are you waiting for? Go watch the video, pre-order your miracle device, and wait in certain unhappiness until the moment you open that wonderful white box.
I bid you good day,
* Please note, this article may or may not be a parody with no actual quotes from any actual Apple employees. Just throwing out that little disclaimer.