Much to the disdain of myself and (most undoubtedly) others like me, it is that horrible and most unfortunate season again. That terrible time that so rudely takes up far too much of an otherwise impeccable and pristine blank space on the calendar of life. Indeed, my friends, it is with tremulous voice and unsteady hand that I attempt to put down on paper a most uncouth and ghastly pronouncement.
But come! What else was there to be done? This question has racked my mind and being until the very fabric of my meager existence began to unravel and come to danger of bursting aflame! If indeed, in the course of reading this atrocious perambulate, you reach an answer or even come to terms with this odious and most discordant conundrum, do please come forth and state your most sought after and treasured conquest.
To continue… of course! The continuation of any locomotive having once been dissuaded from its set path is enough to grant even the least sentimental of skeptics a glance at the meaning of joy. So, thenceforth, onward with the train of thought that is mine. Alas, indeed; must it finally come to this? Must I name the source of this cacophonous tragedy that is imposing its bleak towers upon the walls of our stalwart defenses.
The holidays are upon us. The modulations are creeping in through the walls. The terrible fate that visits oh-so-predictably is back once again. Say hello to your doom and goodbye to your friends. The terrors are upon us and they have already come. Beware. Holiday cheers? No, I’m afraid it cannot be so. Holiday tears. My friends, the Christmas music is here.
Disclaimer: Yes I do usually dislike Christmas music. No, I don’t hate all Christmas music. Exhibit A: Relient k’s Christmas album. No, I don’t usually talk like this. Yes, I like pop tarts. No, I’m not sure why the fabric of my existence is flammable. No, I didn’t buy the extended warranty. Yes, I like small kittens and bleu cheese–separately and in different ways. No, I’ve never seen Gone With the Wind. My favorite book is The Count of Monte Cristo. Are you still reading this? You should stop and have an Oreo. Did you know I can read your mind? You’re thinking about cookies. Anyway, have a nice life.
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer!… (Now it’s stuck in your head.)