How To Be an Internet Troll

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Considering the former success of my “How to be a Spam Bot” post, I figured I would continue the legacy of those wonderful pieces of advice and present you with this. The following is a detailed guide that details the details of trolling. Have fun.

First of all: Never fully agree with anybody! That is the fundamental rule that all internet trolls must follow. You may, every now and then, give concessions to the opposition to allow them a glimpse of hope, but never let them win an argument. Even with this post, don’t follow everything I say…

Secondly: Use as many long words as you can, even if their use is slightly incorrect. If you can make your victim use a thesaurus, you are doing well.

Third: Use as many strong, logical arguments as you can come up with. Often times, since you are a troll, your premises will be false. That doesn’t mean your argument can’t be perfect though. I’m telling you! Aliens do exist!! How else do you explain the existence of Lady Gaga?

Fourthedly: Allow certain keywords in your opponent’s language to trigger random rants. Find weaknesses that are completely unrelated to the main point, and exploit them. Make the best use of Straw Men, Red Herrings, and Parades of Horrors as you can. Yes, I said fourthedly. Get over it.

Fifth: Allow the opposition to cite sources, then attack the reputation of said sources. Bring up inane and completely random facts if needed, but discredit the sources at all costs. No! The CIA doesn’t know anything! Their website is the epitome of government cover-ups! 

Sixth: Use webcomics, Urban Dictionary, Wikipedia, and other non sequitur sources in your own arguments. Calvin and Hobbes, XKCD, and Pearls Before Swine are excellent examples of webcomics to use. “I’m sorry you were offended.”

Seventh: When all else fails, resort to name-calling. This is the most stereotypical action of an internet troll, so keep in mind that you are reaching a low point. But don’t let that bring you down… Just move on to the next poor soul.

Eighth: Come up with an awesome troll name. Like, p0pt4rtz43v3r or iloveun1c0rnz… something like that. You’ll figure it out.

There you have it, a guide on trolling the internetz. Now go on, get out there and let the world know how obnoxious you are. Comment on people’s hairstyle before their philosophy. That’s what really matters anyway, right? I mean, why not be as mean as possible on the internet… it’s what it’s there for!

Have a Nice Life,
~ XK

Note – You may not use this guide to the detriment of others. If you go out and hurt someone’s feelings, I will personally come to your website with my army of trolls and destroy your comment area. You have been warned. 
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26 thoughts on “How To Be an Internet Troll

    nothingprofound said:
    27 July , 2011 at 17:37

    Chris, this advice is so accurate and will probably be so effective I fear it will spawn a whole new species of invincible trolls.

      xanthuskidd responded:
      28 July , 2011 at 09:05

      If it does, I will be in the predicament of Dr. Frankenstein. Having reached the pinnacle of science and performed my greatest accomplishment, I will have destroyed myself. 😀

        Vriska said:
        29 January , 2012 at 08:54

        If you destroy yourself the tolls you created will build a massive troll-face shrine in your honor.

    Inmyredhead said:
    27 July , 2011 at 21:22

    Thanks for this. Now, I will be ready when I see you … errr.. uh… them- coming. 😀

      xanthuskidd responded:
      28 July , 2011 at 09:05

      Of course, I mean. Huh? 😛

    Ruby Book said:
    27 July , 2011 at 21:38

    Tip #1: visit any religious section, website, forum or chatroom. Let it begin.

      xanthuskidd responded:
      28 July , 2011 at 09:06

      They do seem to be prime targets with lots of users willing to be victimized. 😛

    p0pt4rtz43v3r said:
    28 July , 2011 at 02:56

    You are wrong! So epically wrong!

    Your talking garbage, when will you learn to subjectively your submissive noobtardiness for contrivance? Trolling only works on people who are willing themselves to be a victim, you can not, as you say “be a troll”, any more than some hippie can teach golf by “being the ball”. Your entire premise is wrong.

    Good luck with your attempted Blog garbage, everyone who posted above me and below me are obviously to ridiculously dense to read a better source of information, best of luck to you today in successfully tying your shoes, we wouldn’t want you to trip and fall as easily, as you have just tripped and failed.

      iloveun1c0rnz responded:
      28 July , 2011 at 09:14

      OMGOSH! Shut up! Don’t be hating on this site dude! You know who is wrong!? U ARE! Trolling works for anyone and on anyone. And hippies are so stupid, what are you, retarded? Hippies don’t even play golf, that’s a game for old men down in Florida.

      This blog “garbage” is better than Wikipedia! Everybody on the internet is smarter than you! You don’t even tie your shoes, I bet your mom still puts those velcro straps on your feet every morning. Go back to your mom’s basement and cry.

      Vriska said:
      29 January , 2012 at 09:02

      Uum…no. SAHRRY! See that first sentence you typed? Thats something a troll would say. You can troll anyone, you don’t need their submission. I find is aspecialy funny hoy you are gettinh so friggin’ worked up about an internet post and basicly TROLLING the person who wrote it! Its so sad how in your effort to seem like a smart person and hurt he feelings of the person who wrote this you ended up becoming a troll in the proccess! so in every other respect YOU are the troll here! ST3P 0FF BROS3PH! N0W WH4T?

        kaylee said:
        17 October , 2013 at 21:40

        Lol you’re the troll

    p0pt4rtz43v3r said:
    28 July , 2011 at 09:27

    You are agreeing with me and you don’t even know it, as I said the dense replies would follow. I said Hippies can not teach golf and you tell me that hippies don’t play golf…

    Yes my mom puts my velcro straps on, and your Mom washes my back in the shower, so what exactly is the point here ? Your just mad because I touched on a sore spot about you not being able to tie your shoes, Loop Swoop and Pull is too difficult for this Blogs writer and readers I am sure, the more time I spend here I think the less IQ I have, help me I am starting to drool.

    This is not on par (par is a golf term) with Wikipedia, I looked this blog up on Wiki, and guess what I got, nothing, because that is the accumulated worth of this blog and all its readers. I do cry in my mums basement, but they are tears of happiness because I am me, and not you.

    xanthuskidd responded:
    28 July , 2011 at 09:36

    My good people who read this blog, the prior exchange witnessed here demonstrates the futility of arguing with a troll. Please stay tuned for an upcoming post on dealing with zombies, trolls, spam bots, and other monstrosities that dwell on the interwebs. 😉

    Trollius Maximus said:
    28 July , 2011 at 09:56

    This dribble was obviously written by a Rebublican (or Democrat) who doesn’t realize that it’s all over people. Boener (or Obama) have destroyed America. The only thing that I got from your article is that we need to get into our Humvees and take Toronto while the taking is still good. They may have some cash up there. And any arguments you or anybody else has are besides the point.

      xanthuskidd responded:
      28 July , 2011 at 12:45

      Hmmmm, ambiguity. I forgot to add that in!! 😀

    Tara Woodruff said:
    28 July , 2011 at 09:57

    I was just about to research this and Low And Behold, You have already done the work for me! Excellent insight to trollnessness.

      xanthuskidd responded:
      28 July , 2011 at 12:47

      Why thank you, glad you enjoyed it! 😉

    Comment1 said:
    28 July , 2011 at 11:19

    Oh man! I know some people can do many of these things without any effort at all. Looks like a huge amount of work to me, especially because of my great and totally untrollish personality. I’d rather just watch the telly for kicks and funnies!

      xanthuskidd responded:
      28 July , 2011 at 12:47

      I know… I’m not very good at trolling either. 😀

    timethief said:
    28 July , 2011 at 16:44

    Trolls are attention seekers. They have no power unless you give your power to them. What trolls desire is our online time and attention, so when we refuse to communicate with them, they move elsewhere and seek out another target. Hence, the maxim: Don’t feed the trolls.

    That being said, there have been times in the past in forums when I have been silly enough to respond to trolls. Now I prefer failure to enage. When it comes to my blogs trolls get stopped in their tracks. I have a commenting policy. I moderate all commenst. I don’t hesistate to mark “spam” as what it is and send all the details into Akismet’s jaws. In addition, I comment blacklis with impunity when dealing with trolls.

    trollnumber2791.31415926535 said:
    1 August , 2011 at 10:46

    What’s that? Rule #1, why should I listen to you?

    Raghavendra Purohit said:
    4 August , 2011 at 13:03

    Thanks for adding me at BC. I read this with interest and posted the link to my FB page Resonance Network. Love to read more & often

    Flameheart said:
    5 August , 2011 at 03:23

    Haha, Love the way you trolled yourself back there, Xanthus 😉

    Lilith said:
    4 January , 2012 at 18:19

    ..i lomg for the day when trolling will be an Olympic sport…alongside playing chocolate scrabble and speed dating…
    oh haha, you will find fertile fields in Measure of Doubt

    Trollboy27 said:
    3 March , 2012 at 00:16

    I am new to trolling on youtube, but am loving it!

    SUPER FURRY! said:
    8 March , 2012 at 06:55

    VEVO THE FURRY REVOLUSHN!!!!! FURRIES ARE NO LONGERRR AFRAIDY OF COMING OUTAS AS FURRIES ON THE FANDOM!!!! VEVO THE FURRY REVOLUSHUN!!!! FURRIES COME 2 REuNITE AND ST@ND UP FOR WHAT IZZZ RIGHT!!! VEVO THE FURRIES!!!

    I AM THE LEADAER OF DE FURRY REVOLSHUN!!!!!!

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