There once was a dog who lived with an old woodcutter. One day he decided to walk out in the old woods that ran next to the beach. On his stroll, he passed a carriage containing the most beautiful young lady he had ever seen.
He stopped and asked the driver “who is that princess in your coach?”
To which the man replied: “She is an evil witch who has enslaved these lands, she turns into the most hideous pile of bread dough at night and the most beautiful princess in the day. None so far have dared to venture in to cook the bread, it is said that only the pure of heart may do so.”
The dog, realizing that no man had a pure heart, apologized to the driver and suggested he seek employment elsewhere.
He next happened across a fisherman’s cottage. The fisherman was outside weeping and lamenting his current state.
“What is wrong?” The kind but not pure hearted dog asked the fisherman.
“I have lost my wife! Cried the old man. You see, she wished to be lord of all the surrounding lands, and the fish gave us back this old pigsty. When she realized her fate, she jumped into the sea and said she would come back when she had retrieved her papal hat.”
The dog, thinking the man crazy, mumbled his condolences and suggested the fisherman go fishing.
Next, a talking sausage came out into the road. The dog, being hungry, ate the sausage and totally ruined the plot of another fairy tale.
Our canine then beheld a huge green man, clad entirely in green armor and sporting a grisly, green beard. The dog harshly rebuked the knight for stumbling into the wrong set of fairy tales and sent him back to Camelot.
A cat walked by with a mouse hanging limp in her mouth.
“Why did you eat that mouse, the poor little dear trusted you, and wished only to survive the winter.” Said the dog.
“Oh, I don’t know, I suppose because most people are easily entertained by simple theatrics and the slight macabre.” was the reply.
Seeing the sense in this, the dog realized why people watched Rambo movies.
Having patrolled the beach, he headed back into the woods. In front of him was a wonderful house made entirely of gingerbread and candy. Thinking that this was a severe dental hazard, he contacted the ADA and had the house censored from the next edition of the story.
This being a hugely unorthodox mash-up of Grimm’s fairy tales, the author decided to insert the following to give some credit to the writing style of the original brothers Grimm.
Arriving back at the house, he discovered that the woodcutter had chopped off one of his legs. The man, distressing because he could not feed his family, was advised by the evil stepmother to kill the dog. Taking her advice, the poor family had food that night. Such is the way of the world.