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Lately I’ve been thinking about a topic which, to my knowledge, is not one that displays itself as common amongst the normal circles of conversation. Indeed, I doubt that it is even thought about by many people. Of what I speak is the practice of gum chewer classification. Gum chewers fall into very distinctive categories, set apart by varying subtleties in chewing styles. I have laid out my classification system below:

  • The Resounders – As the name implies, these people seem to think that everyone in a 50 ft radius needs to hear chewing sounds. “Squish-chew-squish-chew.” In the middle of a test; sitting through a sermon; trying to watch an intense movie at the theater… this category never fails to let you down.
  • The Talkers – Closely related to the Resounders, these people think it’s a great sport to see how many words they can fit in between each chew. It’s like playing an insane game of “complete the sentence” as you listen to their broken conversations and watch their jaws demolish both their gum and the laws of grammar.
  • The Fanatics – Have you ever seen someone chewing gum who seems to think that if they stop for a second, the flavor will disappear? They seem to believe that by chewing as frantically and quickly as possible that the preservation of the flavor will somehow be improved.
  • The Sneakers – No… not like the shoes, rather, think the action. The word “sneak” brings up pictures of ninjas, cats, and midnight ice cream escapades… That’s exactly what I want you to picture. The Sneakers think that everyone is out to get their gum. They stealthily pull the package from their pocket or purse, quietly and quickly remove the wrapper, and snap the gum into their mouths. That Winterfresh never had a chance.
  • The Addicts – This one is pretty obvious. There are people out there who can’t live without gum. They have to have gum, and a lot of it. PlenTpaks? Don’t be absurd, those don’t last more than a few days at most. This category is also characterized by the large amount of gum chewed – packs usually have a life span of about 3 days at the most.

Unfortunately, I have to be honest here. I am an Addict. You see, I cannot chew just one piece of gum. I start with two, but the flavor always fades away. I reach for two more, then repeat the process. The problem is, there are only 17 pieces in the larger packs. I never have a pack of gum last more than two days, less if I’m not frugal. I tried to solve this problem last semester, I bought a bucket of bubble gum – 165 pieces. That lasted me about a week.

But back to the classification system… have you been classified?


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