The Best Dictionary Ever — Volume II

I almost forgot about this series, but thankfully, I found this draft in my archives. This is a continuation of The Best Dictionary Ever. Read on to be enlightened.

More Important Things Explained

~~~

Cats: Generally considered evil masterminds, these animals are actually just here to observe our race. They care nothing for either mastering nor destroying the earth; they wish merely to upset the established order and spread a little chaos. All in the name of science, of course.

Books: A legal drug, approved and even promoted by most progressive governments and educational systems. Used to alleviate depression, boredom, and other ailments of the mind. Side-effects include dizziness, upset stomach, depression, sadness, drowsiness, obsessive behavior, and mild paper cuts.

Dictionaries: Drab things that exist primarily to confirm or deny the existence of allegedly misused words.

Dogs: These animals are like the UN of the animal world. They try to keep all of the other animals from disrupting the peace; in the process, however, they usually just make matters worse.

Facebook: A website designed to collect all of the excess “spare time” on our planet. Although touted as a social networking site, it has the side effect of gradually decaying most people’s actual social life. It is assumed by some that this will be used as a a weapon in the impending Zomboogle Apocalypse.

Music: That wonderful tool with which we can annoy, enlighten, bring joy to, or depress any person whom we choose (as long as said person is not deaf).

Spotify: The best internet music application ever.  

The Zomboogle Apocalypse: Despite Google’s insinuation that they are a good-loving organization, they will eventually turn all unsuspecting Google users into zombies. Only Mac users and careful internet users will be spared (definition pending).

To be continued…?

~~~

Peace
~ XK

In other news, (I’ll soon be announcing it officially), there’s a new button in the menu at the top of my blog. Check it out?

As of Yet, Untitled

This is a preview of something I’ve been working on for a while. It’s going to be a story of some length, probably a novella. I’m just curious as to how the writing style will be received. Let me know what you think, and keep in mind, this is a bit lengthy. The plot will eventually turn into a sci-fi story…

Meredith was sitting by herself in a large room with a cup of un-fizzy root beer and a deflated bag of off-brand potato chips. She was wearing a red t-shirt and black blue jeans. (An internal debate raged for some period of seconds in the author’s head on whether the word “blue” should be included; the decision was reached after the brain cells who loved spontaneity, smart cars, and abstract art defeated the ones who valued rationality.) The girl was sitting on a couch, and the matching floral pattern that covered the floor must have caused nightmares in many small children, but Meredith didn’t care about floral patterns or small children right now. The TV was blaring in the other room, but she didn’t really notice that either. All she paid attention to was the light bulb hanging from the ceiling. A fly eyed the root beer with considerable envy.

She watched the light bulb and expected something great to happen. Why she expected this, she didn’t really know; she just liked the shape. The lightbulb was one of the new curly contraptions that the government had recently promoted on account of the old round ones being “too boring.” Some people are entertained very easily, and politicians love those people.

She sat on the couch and watched the lightbulb and sipped her root beer. The question briefly crossed her mind as to why the drink had a slight insect-y crunch to it, but she didn’t look down to find out. She was mesmerized by the bright spirals, and she imagined herself sliding down a glowing slide with lots of liquid mercury splashing around her as she descended. Root beer fountains surrounded the slide and potato chips comprised the skies. Large, headless flies buzzed around her head as she landed on a huge carpet of ’80s-styled flowers. She was dreaming.

This rest of this story has nothing to do with Meredith, liquid mercury, or lightbulbs. In fact, this short story has nothing to do with the rest of the story. If you are one to be entertained by curly lightbulbs, liquid mercury, or floral patterns, you may be entertained by the rest of this story. If not, you should read it anyway. Maybe you’ll learn something about everyone else.

~~

The documents that lived on Kenneth’s computer were all very bland ones. All the compatible files would sit in their directories and talk to each other about the desktop wallpaper. (As every geek knows, that’s a computer file’s equivalent of talking about the weather.) Invariably, the conversation would go something like this:

History_Paper1: “That’s nice collection of blue pixels, isn’t it?”

History_Revised: Indeed, a most fine compilation.

“I wonder what it is.”

“I would imagine it’s something magnificent.”

At some point, a know-it-all photo-editing or encyclopedia program would butt in on the conversation and start talking about file compression and fancy internet stuff, then Kenneth would realize that the old file wasn’t needed anymore, and the trash bin would claim another victim.

Kenneth Anderson was a manager at a local barbecue restaurant in a very small town. It wasn’t an exciting job, although every once in a while somebody would choke on a bone and file a complaint. Sometimes, on rare occasions, the leaky faucet in the back would start dripping faster than normal. Then the plumber would have to be called. That was a change in routine, too.

The most exciting thing, as far as Kenneth could remember, was when Al let his apron fall in the oven. The greasy fringe ignited brilliantly, and Al went running through the kitchen, yelling about the Creator and everlasting punishment. The apron smoked so badly that the smoke alarm went off and half the town fire department (which consisted of two pickup trucks, one tractor, and a bicycle) showed up. The fire chief lectured Al on the dangers of men wearing aprons, and Kenneth had to fill out a few forms saying that he wouldn’t hold anyone responsible for anything and that the company would pay for the firemen’s time.

After the excitement from that event died down, life settled back into its well-worn path. The mailman continued to drop the mail in paper box, and the paper delivery boy kept throwing the newspapers into the driveway.

“Well George, I think the days are getting longer.”

The little bulldog watched Kenneth in some manner of anticipation, for dinner time was coming up pretty soon, and Kenneth had a bag of barbecue scraps in his hand.

“Nothing exciting happened today,” Kenneth continued, “I unlocked the building and gave Jeffery yesterday’s meat.” (Jeffery was a homeless man whose history nobody really knew. He showed up in town one day with a banjo sporting two broken strings, an old army rucksack containing seventeen potatoes, and a cat that had only three legs.)

“Then I mixed the sauce, turned down the smoker, filled the….” His voiced droned on into the seemingly interested ears of George, and the faithful little dog thought about food.

They grew old and died of almost completely natural causes, and the restaurant was bulldozed to create a skyscraper that served 72 different types of waffles. Waffles were a very sought after commodity in those days.

~~

Not far away, but quite a long time later, in an equally quaint (quaint is a polite way of saying small and uninteresting) little town, a new guy had walked into Wilson’s Cafe. Wilson’s was one of those places that’s been around since the beginning of time. When God created Adam and Eve and finished the business with the snake, He came on over to what would eventually be Cornersville in Southern Virginia and made Horace J. Wilson Sr.

Mr. Wilson, seeing the need for a cafe, started a small venison stand. Native Americans frequented his restaurant, and everyone exchanged recipes and told fish tales. It is usually taught that the Indians supplied Plymouth Rock with a lot of the food for the first Thanksgiving dinner, but what isn’t commonly known is that the tribe had Wilson’s cater the meal. At risk of starting a cliché mob, Wilson’s Diner really is older than the hills.

But anyway, a new guy walked in. For an old restaurant, Wilson’s really doesn’t have too many visitors,  so any new faces are always a welcome change. He walked up to the counter and ordered a coffee and omelet. The coffee maker whirred its response and the robot grumbled something about bore of working in a restaurant. Oh, yes, in case you were wondering, almost everything is run by robots now (except for the Amish colonies in Pennsylvania, they’re still using computers, electric cars, and other archaic instruments). The year is three-thousand, five hundred and thirty-two.

That’s all I’ll post for now, folks. Hit the share button if you think you know someone who’d like to give feedback. =)

~Chris

 

Grand Ventures

To those of you who are avid perusers and loyal followers of this humble internet web log, I am writing to inform you of an adventure upon which I am embarking. Two of my friends and I are traveling to the state of Arkansas, taking with us nary but that which we need to survive. Almost like the brave explorers of old, we are venturing into formerly uncharted areas and seeking to subdue the lands. I’m going camping. 

We are packing naught but a tarpaulin structure, supported by aluminum staves; a pack containing rations and other essentials, and perhaps a few spare garments. We may, perchance, let a fraction of the everyday luxuries accompany us, with the admittance of a cloth-bound volume or two, but our lives shall not be intruded upon by the presence of such trivialities as Facebook or Twitter. Indeed, not even this blog shall be assessable to me whilst I am away in the foreign realms. We’re tent camping and I won’t have access to internet.

In short, I shall not be around to post. Neither here nor on Assorted Pastries. In the interim of my departure and return, I would love to hear the accounts of your most memorable camping experiences. In return, I promise that you shall receive a narrative of some sort relating to the camping trip, as well as the better pictures that come of this venture. Tell me a story, and I’ll tell one to you. Even if you don’t tell me a story, I still tell one to you. 

I bid you good day,
~ Chris