A Thoughtpiece

I have coined a new phrase, or at least I think I have. It pertains to pieces of writings, and I shall use it as such.

thoughtpiece (n)|xk| — a piece of a thought, esp. when referring to written opinions and personal expressions.

Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Rather Orwellian. Anyway, I think I shall use this term when referring to my blog posts. This just seems like a such a concise and final term. Complex, simple, and to the point. Does that even make sense?

And now, I present to you a thoughtpiece on driving.

Dearest people of the world, I have but a humble request for you: learn to drive!

For starters, let us examine the steering column upon which the wheel with which you steer your vehicle is mounted. On either the left or right side is a stick/knob/lever. This perplexing device, which you seem to have very little knowledge of, allows you to activate lights mounted on the exterior of your car. Interestingly enough, when you move the switch in one direction, lights on one side of your car blink, letting others know that you intend to turn, the converse is also true. We call this the turn signal. USE IT.

Another tip, while we are still examining the interior of your vehicle. You have probably discovered that when driving at night, it is dark. You seem to have adequately remedied this fault by turning on your lights. Good. I’m glad that you have found how to make these function. Let me tell you a secret, though. Your lights have two settings, one of them is called bright. You don’t need to have them on this setting when people are driving towards you. YOU ARE BLINDING PEOPLE.

We have touched on some etiquette in the previous points, but now let us move on to pure etiquette. One interesting thing about our roadways is that they have speed limits. These are maximum speeds at which we are legally allowed to drive. While you can go somewhat slower than the limit, great deviance is not recommended. Here’s why. When you do not go the speed limit, you make people angry. Angry people  do stupid things. You might die. GO THE SPEED LIMIT. (This is especially true on two lane highways on which people cannot easily pass you.)

If you use a cell phone while you are driving, that is perfectly fine with me. I do not discriminate. If you, however, cannot drive and use a cell phone at the same time, please don’t do either. The world will be a better place.

Finally, if you drive a moped, please don’t hog the center of the road. I will run you over. In my mind.

Cheers,
Chris

Science Fiction

The mechanics of the entire operation were complicated. Very complicated. The Uppers weren’t even releasing a name for the technology. The papers all kept mum about the operation. It was another “Politikal Experiment.” The people needn’t concern themselves.

The briefing came at 0500. The com buzzed two shorts and a long dash in my ear–the signal that a sensitive message was about to be transmitted. The mission, the drab voice sad over the com, was an issue highly important to the people. I was one of five. We were to be at the Space Probe lab in 3 hours. The launch was to take place in approximately 15 hours. Good day.

I walked into the lab feeling somewhat disoriented. The satellite we were on was an older model, only apparently so by aesthetics. The technology was updated constantly, and the interior was never allowed to become even slightly dirty. The AI system identified me and offered some non-caffeinated coffee upon my entrance. Three others waited in the room. I knew none of them. For the purposes of this mission, we were called by our assigned numbers. I was eight dash thirty-two, lead officer.

We readied the vehicle. It was a strange looking apparatus. Weighing over 20 tonnes, the system was largely made of a hyper-sensitive light collecting material not yet named. The transport was another complex matter. It wasn’t my area of expertise, but I understood the basic premise. This vehicle was going to travel at an astounding rate, over one million times the speed of light. I didn’t know how this was possible, or even if the premise held as a form of motion. The techs usually referred to it as teleportation. We were going to launch the device to a distance of about 10,000 light years from our planet. The voyage would take a little over three and a half days.

This is where my work came in. I had worked in optics and light transmission throughout my career at the Politikal offices. My specialty was lenscrafting. The resolution achieved with the device we were sending, combined with the optics I had designed, would be enough, if the theoretical data held true, to make out faces on Earth, from a distance of 10,000 light years. Resolution isn’t the right word; this form of imaging crossed into a new field entirely. The data that we collected was entirely raw light signals, but they were complete. We could focus entirely on the earth and collect just the light emitted, and we were going to record history.

The launch went as planned, and seven days later, we received a signal from the craft. It was in place. Now, if the programming did its job, and the theories held true, we were recording activity on our planet. Ten thousand years ago.

~ 8–32. Space Probe Lead

The Best Webcomic Ever

I know, I’m a bit late on finding this one, but here it is.

I have a lot of apologies to make. Not that they’re required, of course, but I still feel obligated to get this out there.

I… have a new favorite webcomic. It’s not a new webcomic by any means, but it is amazing. When I say amazing, I mean that it is the single best compilation of images, plot, and dialog that I have ever witnessed in a comic. Ever.

PVP, Nedroid, XKCD, Gamer Cat, Sandra and Woo, Lackadaisy Cats, Loading Artist, Awkward Zombie, Heavenly Nostrils, and all the rest… you guys are great. I highly recommend each of you to my readers. None of you, however, offer a multiple doctorate-holding, practicing physician, dinosaur riding/punching, and lumberjack-fighting ninja protagonist. I have thoroughly enjoyed all of the read-throughs; I still hold that Lackadaisy has the best art, and I am still biased towards PVP’s storyline and character set, but Dr. McNinja, you are the best.

I salute you all in your comical endeavors, and I apologize greatly to all of you who have been displaced. Lackadaisy Cats, you now hold the number two spot, right above PVP.

Dr. McNinja, you are awesome.

That is all.

~XK