The Confessions of a Pyromaniac

The following account may or may not be a genuine interview with a pyromaniac. If it is true, his name has been changed to protect his identity.

 

XK: So, Mr. Phlogiston, why don’t you tell us a little bit about your childhood.

P: One of my lifelong yearnings has always been to burn down a major structure. When I was a young child, I used to stand next to the chicken houses near my farm and dream of fried chicken. 

XK: You wanted to cook the chickens by burning down their houses!?

P: Heavens no!! I was just thinking about chicken.

XK: Oh, I see. Well, what else did you do as a child?

P: I use to love playing with matches: Strike-On-Box; paper envelope; long-stem; and, my favorite, Strike-Anywheres. Once, I tried to make a fire bomb using gasoline and a bottle. Unfortunately, it didn’t turn out quite the way I wanted. It compressed the bottle and melted away to nothing. That attempt was a fizzle. 

XK: Did you ever make any more forays into the bomb-making realm?

P: No, my parents grounded me from using the gas can.

XK: Sounds harsh.

P: It was…

XK: Have you ever burnt anything major?

P: There was this one time… When I was younger, we owned a woodstove. My parents were gone on a trip, and I decided to take a shower. Before I took my shower, I emptied the ashes from the stove into the ditch in our backyard. This is where we normally dumped our ashes, but unfortunately, I didn’t check the ashes to see if they were hot. I went outside and made valiant efforts to extinguish the neighbor’s yard with a garden hose, but I ended up by calling 911. Funnily enough, my other neighbor told me to tell the firemen that I didn’t know anything about how it started. Being an honest chap, I admitted to knowing the cause. Luckily, the fire chief just laughed.

XK: He just let you slide?

P: Yes, he let me off pretty easy.

XK: Is that the extent of your combustible career? 

P: Other than a few experiments that involved magnifying glasses, 600 watt video lights, dried leaves, and kittens, yes. I lead a pretty normal life.

I thought y’all would enjoy a creative, and perhaps a bit random/strange, accounting of my that guy’s childhood ventures with fire.

G’day!
~XK

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