Top Ten (Benign) Stalker Songs of All Time (from my iTunes library)

Posted on Updated on

Well, okay, maybe not of all time, but at least of the selection that lives in my library of music.

Anchor & Braille — Wedding / Funeral

It’s a song written from the perspective of a guy who is feeling remorseful of letting go of an old friend. It’s for her funeral or wedding ’cause, you know, that’s not creepy.

“I’m a great burning lament to this day
But I realize now you’re in a better place
Hands will tremble
As you’re lowered down the aisle
But you won’t look at me
Not so much as smile
I want to stand up and speak my peace
And let your hollow pieces walk away.”

Dude, you’ve got some emotional issues. I’m seriously considering setting up an eHarmony account for you.

Cascada — Everytime We Touch

Ok, I don’t  think it’s meant to be a stalker song, but this lady is just a bit obsessive… Strangely enough, this video reminds me of Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit video, but I prefer this version. 

“I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch in my dream.
Forgive me my weakness, but I don’t know why
Without you it’s hard to survive.”

If you’re hearing voices, you should seek professional help.

GLaDOS — Still Alive

A song written just for me by a megalomaniacal  supercomputer who wanted to kill me. So sweet.

“I’m not even angry.
I’m being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!”

…anyway, you should play Portal if this makes no sense.

Stellar Kart — Kiss the Girl

Yes, this is a cover of a song from The Little Mermaid. Yes, I have this song in my iTunes library. LISTEN TO THOSE STALKER LYRICS, THOUGH.

“Yes, you want her
Look at her, you know you do
It’s possible she wants you too
There’s one way to ask her
It don’t take a word, not a single word
Go on and kiss the girl”

Death Cab for Cutie — I Will Possess Your Heart

The title says it all. Also, 4 minute guitar intro.

“You reject my… advances… and desperate pleas…
I won’t let you… let me down… so easily.”

I’m sorry, but, um, I’m calling the cops…

The Afters — Myspace Girl

“You asked me what I wanted… I want you!”

Would you like fries with that?

Needtobreathe — Girl Named Tennessee

This one’s just kind of like a failed stalker song…

“Oh, she danced away with my heart and soul
Who she was, I will never know
Danced away with my hopes and dreams
My sweet girl from Tennessee”

In one night, you placed all of your hopes and dreams in a girl? Overconfident, much?

Fall Out Boy — My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark

I’m really not even sure. Certainly sounds stalkerish to me…

Owl City — Deer In the Headlights

This was a free download from iTunes. I promise I didn’t buy this…

“Met a girl with a graceful charm,
But when beauty met the beast he froze.
Got the sense I was not her type
By black eye and bloody nose,
But I guess that’s the way it goes.”

No… I’m pretty sure you’re doing it wrong.

Relient K — Faking My Own Suicide

“To get your attention, I’m faking my own suicide…”

Yeah, yeah… that’ll do it.

And those are the stalker songs from my music library. What’s your favorite stalker song?

~XK

If Tech Companies Were In Charge of Holidays…

Posted on

…the press releases might read something like these.

Halloween 2 (Apple)

It’s the same holiday that you know and love, but we’ve made it even easier to celebrate. With over 25 million sweet stations, and a customizable candy choice, you can celebrate this iconic event from the comfort of your own city. With the Halloween 2, we’ve brought the holiday industry to new heights with new features such as Treats 2.0, iTricks, and Find My Gnome. Our revolutionary new Sweet Tooth bluetooth headset will let you post where you’ve found the best treats in your town or wherever you are! Find My Gnome is a convenient feature built into every Sweet Tooth; GPS signals allow you to track Sweet Tooths registered to your family. Rest assured that you’ll be able to find your way out of (or into) any scary situation.

With iTricks, just hold your iOS device against a prospective haunt, choose your flavor, and play a scary tone. Getting into the season has never been easier. Pre-order your Sweet Tooth today, and prepare yourself for the Halloween 2.

Easter (Facebook)

We’re excited to announce the best Easter yet: Easter 2014. Whether you plan to tag your friends in a new album or tag along with them to a relaxing picnic, we’ve got you covered. Our new News Feed is the same News Feed that we’ve always had, but this one is even more complicated and works better at least half of the time! With only one or two sponsored posts, and your settings staying set for an entire day, you are sure to enjoy the social scene this Easter. We’ve decorated our site in a lovely spring blue, and we’ve complicated the security settings even more! Make sure to have your Instagram app open and ready to capture all of your friends for filing in our extensive government database. (Also, do you know this person? You have 17 mutual friends.)

Memorial Day (Twitter)

It’s one of those Federal holidays that the majority of people really don’t know why it exists, and we know that you’ll want to document every minute of it in 140 characters or less. We’ve made sure that we won’t get hacked again anytime soon, and tons of celebrities will be posting valuable tidbits about their personal lives, and others’ personal lives. And how they hate that everyone is prying into their personal lives. And flame wars when someone says something perceivably racist or sexist. Actually, on second thought, just follow Death Star PR or Emergency Kittens.

President’s Day (Tumblr) 

We know that the only names you’ll recognize are George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Obama, and John F. Kennedy, so we’re just going to continue posting clever GIFs.Tumblr's Contrib

Thanksgiving (Digg) 

Be Thankful for that iPhone
How the pilgrims survived that journey without Angry Birds.

Cooking Big Bird
Is America’s Turkey Obsession Unhealthy?

You’re Awesome (*sponsored link*)
Click it so we can make some money.

Several Buildings Explode in Another Country
You’ll click on this link because the US is obsessed with violence.

The Mayflower Didn’t Exist
It’s all a conspiracy to get you to spend money.

Read more on Digg.com >>

Christmas (Google)

Because we’re the most benevolent and wonderful company in the world, we’ve decided to give you an awesome drawing of our logo. Make sure to like it and share it on Google+! We also have put our Google Glasses on sale! $1400 buys you a pair of glasses with which you can search anything in the world! Download our newest version of Google Maps, which gives the location of every publicly available fir tree that you can chop down for yourself! Happy Holidays!

Anyway, have a good weekend! 
~XK

What if…

Quote Posted on

Paschal wagered on Schroedinger’s cat while in Plato’s cave? Would Pavlov’s dogs respond accordingly if analyzed by Freud?

I have no idea where I was going with this; I just found it in my drafts folder.

Have a nice night.

~XK